Diary of Domestic Hiss!

Good vs Evil

2009-09-04T13:56:00.001+01:00

A friend asked me this morning if we had enjoyed a good summer - we have, plenty of time to read books, some super days out, a couple of days in Paris...

...but best of all has been a serendipitous journey of an entirely different kind, a far more important one than a couple of weeks in the sun!

This has been a summer of encounters with extraordinary people, who in turn introduce you to yet more extraordinary people, people who quite without meaning to, take you on a journey.

They are all on amazing odysseys of their own which span a mind boggling array of subjects, but all of them have shown us such strength of character that you cannot help but be impressed.

How many parties have you been to where in one evening you meet a famous opera singer, a charming Irish man with a harem, a professor of dreams, a clairvoyant, a film director, an aid worker, an etymologist....the list goes on! Suffice to say we did feel that we were spectacularly dull in comparison!

Yet, they have enabled something dormant in us - watching their determination to achieve is impressive and contagious.

The Opera singer who seeks out new, young, talent and helps them to flower.
The Aid worker whose body ruined by radiation, walks again.

Just two stories from so many, unfolding and bedazzling us.

The thread that binds them...love, unconditional love.

Invading the spaces between these inspirational people there are those who seek to prevent their triumphs. Just like in the playground, every community has it's 'school bullies', and it's a shock to realise that they stop at nothing for their own perverse pleasure.

The church warden who tries to spilt a couple up before their wedding day and spreads vicious rumours...but we can all see the evil in her eyes - and she can't really hurt them, the kind of heart hunker round the couple - we are their shield until their own armour is impregnable.

The Rector who does her best to undermine the work of a talented priest, a person of such good heart. We rally round her too, the Rector's stones and arrows still hurt our dear Vicar....but the cat is out of the bag...she can never regain our trust...she can never have our hearts...they go with the Vicar to her new parish.

Why is it that the evil are leeches on the good? Why do the evil hearted inflate their own importance in the scheme of things?

Years ago I might have spent energy on working this out, but not any more - it is their problem, their actions once in the open are read by the whole community. Eyes are opened, veils lifted...

My journey is a gnostic one, a learning curve - calm and guided, with the firm belief that good will always manage to outweigh bad, even if it's a rocky road, and the karma delayed.

Done with the knowledge that doing good doesn't require recognition or awards, the best feeling is when you just know that you have helped - even if just a little.

I have read many books this summer, but it is the unique personal stories that impress, bravery, humour and kind hearts...swords which will never sleep in hands...this is a journey that I know will take will many years to unfold, with many layers and with a gentle calm that comes from the discovery that actually, your own heart is guided to it's right place not only by yourself, but also by those who love and care...and there is nothing at all that the evil hearted ones can do about that

Back to 3BT

2009-06-23T14:21:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was surprisingly emotional, I confess to taking my frustration out on some dough, which did at least benefit it's rising and made a decent loaf!

Today I want more positivity, so I'm going to get myself back into the habit of 3BT

An hour spent first thing this morning having reflexology with dear friend and foot wizard, P.
Being taught to crochet by a very kind woman in the next village...I may yet be able to make some cute christmas prezzies.
A Jay flies past the kitchen window - I love the colour on their wings.

What are your 3BT today?

More Tea Vicar?

2009-06-22T11:03:00.005+01:00

Sometimes I struggle to think of something to write for my blog...occasionally I have a jolly good rant and get things off my chest, rarely I think of something funny to say....today is neither.

I'm feeling like a helium balloon that's been around for a bit...and has deflated....I'll explain -

In January I met our (not so new) Vicar for the first time. Between her being really rather ill, and us not being good (at all) at going to church it was our first meeting....the occasion was the Village new year party in the pub, I was dragged over to 'meet the Vicar'....mentally getting myself prepped for this torment I told myself that I must not do my usual vocab and use phrases such as "Oh my God" or worse! Ready?

Well, the Vicar couldn't have been a bigger surprise, she blew away any previous entrenched thoughts I had about women vicars. This one was VERY different. This one happily discussed any religion, any ideas. This one drank as socially as the rest of us, this one swore like a trooper, this one genuinely cared about the people in her parish....earth shatteringly this one understood what the people in our parish actually needed.

Having a Vicar that's a breath of fresh air has been wonderful, spiritually uplifting and lots of fun, and as a result of her hard work our parish wants to grow that feeling of shared community.

The death of a much loved pillar of the parish was transformed by the Vicar and his widow into something positive and pulled the village further together. This she did with humour and huge tenderness.

What could be a village with little community feeling (as we are all very geographically spread out, no village shop or post office) became very strong....strong enough to make un-churchy me join in - and that's saying a great deal!

Coming from London, where culture and backgrounds are diverse and accepted, it has been wonderful to meet somebody so open minded, so untraditional, so interested by life and people, so genuine.

So why am I rattling on here? Well, because soon there will be no "more tea Vicar?" (though in her case we always offered a nice glass of Viognier).

There will be no more Vicar V in our parish...at the end of the summer another very lucky parish in Somerset will gain our loss.

Why? I hear you scream....and it is a fair question. Why, because another more powerful village in our benefice has been so backward thinking, so closed to new ideas (any ideas), so spiteful, so unwelcoming that our lovely Vicar has looked for pastures new...

...nobody with real soul and heart could stay.

It seems to me that there is no benefit in being part of a benefice.

Villages are just that....little groups, little communities...and when the balance is good it has community - it is more than just a collection of houses.

Being part of a benefice in which a few out of touch old farts get to pick and choose who tends to our ministry seems to be very unfair.

Then the thorny issue (yes, I am deliberately using that word) of this Benefice's treatment of our fab Vicar....the hypocrisy is lost on them.....yes, you vile lot who call yourselves 'Christians'....you give the word a seriously bad name.

Real Christians never behave like this.

Real Christian church wardens would not refuse to light candles for their Vicar, nor would they make her feel they way they have.

Since I'm not very Christian...I'm happy to say I hope their rotten souls get the attack of bad karma they so obviously deserve.

Oh God! that wasn't very nice of me was it? That's because I'm fuming...as are the rest of our little village, we've found a collective soul through Vicar V...and now some mouldy old stick in the mud's have muscled in on our spiritual journey and spoilt the trip.

The frustration is palpable, as one little place we can't have our own Vicar...instead we are at the very un-christian mercy of the BIGGER Village...who get to call the shots.

So, what do we do? Other than organise monthly coach trips down to V's new parish (could be fun)...how do we continue our journey without her.

If spiritual journeys were easy Vicars wouldn't exist...and they do.... because finding spirituality isn't always easy, and our little church without her vibrant energy is going to feel like a very sad and empty place...it's going to be really hard to keep momentum.

We are her flock, she is our Shepherd and sheepdog....so dear God, Allah, Buddha whoever you are up there can you look kindly on us? Don't let all her good work here stall...please?

Take it from a girl who grew up in the smoke....this little community has something really special.

Too Much Coffee

2009-06-10T15:49:00.007+01:00

Too much coffee definitely gives you the jitters...

We used to be happy, jitter free owners of a lovely Gaggia Titanium - a bean to cup machine that made reliably good coffee - whenever you pressed a little button!

But woe...it died (ruptured boiler - ouch!) and the thought of sending it off to Gaggia to be fixed (on Italian time) for a second stint was too much...it was time for a change to something that didn't need a four month holiday in order to get sorted.

The trouble is the blasted alternatives ...having decided that we had progressed in our coffee appreciation enough to 'go manual' it opened a real can of worms - there are SO many choices and variations - all the coffee forums are frequented by complete anoraks who wax lyrical about buying commercial machines...and spending thousands of pounds!!!

They fiddle and tune their machines to get stronger and stronger brews...they must be sky high in the process.

One Ristretto and I can actually feel the caffeine coursing through my veins!

In the gorgeous Anthony Capella book "The Food of Love" the barista takes this to extreme heights...and kills himself in the search for the perfect espresso!

We do not intend to go this far!!!

So, with difficulty we trod a path through to find a good 'prosumer' machine (for this read heavy duty, almost commercial but not quite, and fixable by the Engineering minded Husband when it plays up ( because it will) and a grinder ( for those of you who haven't met the geeks - the grinder is apparently more important than the machine!).

Can you see my eyebrows raising from here?

So...ta dah! I reveal our choice... we've called her 'Sofia'

Sofia is an attractive, temperamental and passionate Italian...

...and my Husband is now 'on call' to tend to Sofia's every need / whim.

He can't wait for an excuse to get her insides out and have a good fiddle!

Sofia is like a F1 racing car...she needed setting up and tuning before Gavin and Carolyn at Another Coffee would declare her ready to 'drive'....they are on standby in the pit lane as we speak... ready with spares!!!

And does all this gadgetry produce better coffee than the the nice reliable Gaggia bean to cup machine....

Mmmm....sometimes! The trouble being - we are having to make excessive amounts of espresso to learn to be decent home baristas!

The variables for making the perfect coffee are complex and elusive...and frankly enough to make a girl's head hurt.

You need to...

Have the machine on for the right length of time to be properly warmed up.
Grind the coffee to the right grind setting (this is so much harder than it sounds)
Fill the head with just the right amount of coffee.
Tamp the coffee ...not to hard, not too soft (crucial and can result in choking the machine)
Bleed off some water from the machine, so as not burn the coffee.
Count while the coffee comes through the group head apparently a good espresso starts trickling through at 7 seconds and you shouldn't let anything after 25 seconds into the cup. It should be 1 fluid oz!
Flush through machine and clear it up

Ok - so this doesn't sound so hard - but it jolly well is - because into this equation - for no apparent reason the blasted coffee comes through not at all (choked machine) or gallons of the stuff...and yet it feels like you did everything just as you had for the previous cup with miraculously different results!

ARGHHHHHH!

And I haven't even mentioned foaming the milk yet!!!!

Sofia does not possess a 'panerello' (cheats device for making perfect froth) so my frothy milk is looking distinctly lacklustre and 'latte art' is definitely out of the question (thank goodness for that).

Is it all worth it? I hear you cry....well....that might be a tricky question to answer...

...for the good coffee Sofia and I make is absolutely fantastic...

....the bad, sadly is unspeakably so!

And this is the worst bit...when I make a coffee for a friend - will they 'fess up if it's a vile one?

It's a Stephen Hawkingesque thing....is the perfect coffee possible every time?...is it a question of time and space?

Or in a parallel universe is there another me whose Gaggia is still going strong....and the other me is looking seriously smug and jitter free?

Unfinished Symphony

2009-06-09T10:57:00.002+01:00

This week I was supposed to be working my way through a never ending list of snagging on the house...the list is on the fridge door...it's very long.

...and am I painting / oiling / sanding / filling etc, etc, etc?

Well,.......no! I'm absolutely fed up with it - the temptation to scream if I spot another pot of paint is immense!

I'm one of those people who really doesn't kick into action unless I have a deadline - we had huge ones to get the structure finished...cooking a 70th birthday lunch party for 40 the day after the kitchen doors and worktop went in, then having Americans to stay for 10 days - so the new bedroom and bathroom had to be finished!

We did it, but we did it all on adrenaline...then we stopped...and the energy levels haven't picked back up again! Working until 1am night after night, then doing a 'day job' is pretty exhausting.

The house has just gone online for B and B....but even this hasn't scooped up some little remnant of energy to finish off...I need a booking...I need a bit of pressure!

I ought to be high as a kite - our coffee machine died during the building work...and last week we replaced it - I have been trying ever since to produce the perfect espresso, but even the caffeine excesses haven't solved my apathy for DIY!

On the up side - every trace of peach has been obliterated, maybe that's the problem...nothing looks really 'bad' anymore!

Any suggestions?

Plastered...I should be!

2009-04-15T19:22:00.002+01:00

Dear All,

I have been hiding out here...

I will return to domestic blissy hiss when my house feels like a home again!

Hope to see you at the 'building site'!

Hen

Let's Off Road

2009-03-12T09:04:00.010Z

This week Kit made me think of car stories, they were already on my mind after a fellow Mummy from school set fire (accidentally) to her Landrover - she had plugged in a heater obtained from the Internet - it blew up and torched the rest of the car!!!

We too, used to own a Landrover - bought from new the day before my second child made her entrance into the world.

In fact I was having contractions all the way back from the dealership - you can imagine the husband's fear of my waters breaking on his new upholstery!!

It was a very comfortable car, and very good off road....which brings me to an embarrassing incident we had -

A few weeks after buying the car...and me post-natally tired, and feeling like a freesian...the dear husband decided to take No 1 child swimming...he took Baby too - all safely strapped into their car seats...off they went...

Some hours later (at which point the freesian felt like parts of her were about to explode) they returned.

They had left home in a blue car...they returned in a brown car...inside and out!!!???

The car had a 4" thick layer of mud all over it...and in it, even the children were brown - I freaked - yes, it was a hormonal freak out with knobs on!

As I helped the children out of the car, and lifted my precious new baby out of her car seat - they left clean children shaped patches behind!

OK, I wanted answers....

"Hurrumph, erm,,mmmm where to begin?"

The husband explained that he had decided to 'test' the Landrovers' off road capability

(with my babies in the car????)

so instead of taking the main road to the swimming pool, he thought it would be a good idea to take the old Roman road - unfortunately with no Romans still around, the road isn't at quite the same standard as it might have been a few thousand years ago....

...the road gave way!

The edge of the Byway crumbled and the Landrover had slid into the ditch!

There was good news and bad news...

The good news....the Landrover was great off road and gracefully drove itself out of the ditch!

HURRAH!

The bad news.....the dammed ditch was full of....

... liquid pig slurry!

@!*?^*

It took us weeks to get the car clean, and months for me to forgive the father of my children for his folly.

(you'll understand if you knew that it followed on the heels of several other things he had done...like cutting the end of No 1's finger off with a Swiss Army Penknife when she was 10 minutes old...

...he was trying to trim her fingernails!!!!!!!)

Anyhow, months later we took the car back to London for it's free first service...we thought this was wizard - we got to park in London for free, the car got serviced and we had a day in town catching up with old friends.....super, until we received a irate call from the garage...

"WHY hadn't we TOLD them that we had taken the car OFFROAD???"

ERM...because it IS an OFFROAD vehicle?

Apparently people in London don't actually go OFFROAD....so the mechanic had removed the sump guard unaware of the fact that lurking above was a very large, baked hard, lump of pig slurry....which fell on his head and knocked him out!!!!

OOOOPS! Needless to say we didn't darken their door again!

A Lamb in Sheep's Clothing.

2009-02-24T17:27:00.005Z

I watched a strange happening at the weekend... no, not an alien invasion... the farm next door to our house is in the midst of lambing, and the girls and I popped round to do a little lamb worship - they are so cute!

However, we always seem to arrive when death is knocking at the barn door, the first experience of lambing for the girls was a still birth...then thankfully followed a few minutes later with live twin lambkins. Ever since we have enjoyed watching the highs and lows of keeping sheep, and they have gradually become more to us than simply woolly shapes!

The Farmer says sheep are good at two things - dying and eating!

Anyhow, I'm rambling (pardon the pun) last weekend we toddled round to get some ovine spring in our step, only to be greeted with the scene of a dead lamb - squashed by it's mother - maybe the Farmer is right?

This black scene was transformed in front of our eyes...the farmer instructed his farmhand to go off and skin the lamb!

A few moments later he arrived with the skin (no sign of gore whatsoever) neatly folded and tucked under his arm like a freshly laundered jumper. He then took an orphaned lamb who was a thin little thing, and dressed the lamb in the dead lamb's skin. We watched dumbstruck - the 'jumper' had fully fashioned arms and a polo neck!

The newly dressed lamb was then put in with the bereft ewe, who sniffed it....then fed it.

If I had not witnessed this myself I might have struggled to believe quite how quickly the Ewe accepted her 'baby' back, and for the girls life at the farm had yet again shown them the circle of life.

I'll try to add the images later...blogger misbehaving!

The Cat's Pyjamas.

2009-02-20T09:39:00.005Z

Honestly, I know my slave is busy...

...but one measly photo?

I feel you ought to see how I live...

In front of the Aga is good...

...but often that stinky dog wants to hang out here too.

Korat Cats NEED warmth - we come from Thailand...

...this bag of ribbons is quite comfortable...

This funky wool wasn't bad...but difficult to arrange!

The teenager is generally quite thoughtful about

leaving some clothing lying about for my convenience.

The sofa in the summerhouse can be good in the spring...

The laundry basket is entirely unsatisfactory when empty...

The plaid blanket you saw featured the other day is quite nice...

...but frankly, the rough lambswool chafes my silky fur...

...so I do prefer this mohair number - don't you think the pink sits well with my fur?

But to be brutally honest...I prefer cashmere...and a human

hot water bottle....

...because I'm worth it!

The Cat's Whiskers

2009-02-17T22:39:00.001Z

Drills, banging and the house is rattling...

...meanwhile...

Repatriation

2009-02-16T15:20:00.002Z

A newspaper from the local Tory party plopped through the door this morning, and I almost chucked it straight in the recycling bin, but something caught my eye...

It was a tribute from our local MP to the people of Wootton Bassett.

And the reason for this tribute - the fact that often two or three times a week they turn out en-masse to line the High Street - hundreds of them.

Why?

Well, I would love to report that they do this to celebrate some joyous event - but it is most certainly not.

They line the streets to honor the bodies of soldiers repatriated through RAF Lyneham.

Old soldiers stand to attention next to civilians, their heads bowed.

Just looking at the images of this brought me to tears, and I felt the same ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach as when the Hercules which fly them home, go over our house - I think about the families, and how things will never be the same again for them.

Quite what impact this will have on the people of Wootton Bassett long term? That's unknown - but what I do know is that they deserve James Gray's tribute.

Thank you for welcoming them home - we are with you in spirit....and the next time one of 'those' flights passes overhead, I will think of not only the soldiers...but the people of Wootton Bassett too.

I'm Busy...

2009-02-02T17:00:00.001Z

...blogging somewhere else!

Email me if you want to follow the story!

Mealy Mouthed

2008-12-15T10:53:00.006Z

I'd love to be a restaurant critic - it would really suit me...

...firstly because I really adore eating wonderful food, but also because I do like to shout from the rooftops when I find somewhere which pleases my tummy...it might please somebody else too!

Eating in fantastic restaurants, often, and being paid for it...that would be my idea of heaven!

I would find it difficult to write nasty reviews...I rarely complain in a restaurant, unless something is utterly inedible...after all, we all can imagine what the kitchen could do to your next course - should they wish to!

We have a phrase in this house, started by BF... "It's not my favourite" - that ought to cover any unpleasant culinary experiences, without sounding like an jaded critic with a bloated sense of his own importance!

So imagine how I felt when I read the latest 'Food' magazine, they included reviews about two restaurants I have little prospect of actually eating in - Gordon Ramsey's new establishment in Royal Hospital Road, and 'Murano', the new venue for Gordon's protegee - Angela Hartnett.

And were the revues glowing, well, no! Did the pundits have anything specific to complain about vis the food...well, no! Frankly all they complained about was the decor or the stature of the sommelier....

Talk about ungrateful! Oh, goodness, what kind of curmudgeonly old grump are you, when fed Michelin starred vittles, you whine like...well, like the Grinch.

It's not even as if these jokers actually pay the bill - they are employed for this precise purpose!

Perhaps they need to be sent somewhere to use as a 'real life' comparison...a night out at a dodgy fast food joint or a motorway service station ought to make them significantly more appreciative!

Move over Whining Winnies...this bird wants a shot at being a foodie critic...and she and her stomach would be so much more grateful!

And as for where I like to eat...should you ever be in the vicinity, I'd suggest a visit to -

The Old Bell, Malmesbury. Tom Rains cooks up real delights, Severiano, the Maitre D' charms you, and you can retire to bed afterwards!

The Royal Crescent, Bath. Perfect cocktails, fabulous food, chic surroundings and attentive staff...and no, they're not too tall!

...and when Michael Caines starts at The Priory in February, I will eat and be happy, regardless of how 'corporate' the dining room looks!

E for effort.

2008-12-14T20:54:00.007Z

At the risk of sounding like a total fossil, I'm wondering if I'm one of a dying breed of people who like to thank people properly.

My BF and my lovely friend P. always send a handwritten note after a supper at our house, or after being given a prezzie...and I always do the same.

Sometimes I fail to meet proper etiquette rules and don't manage to send my 'thank you' within the correct form of three days, but I do always send one.

I don't often manage to write something erudite, but hopefully my thank you notes always sound sincere, because they are.

Let's face it most of us do actually appreciate somebody going to the trouble of cooking supper for us, or choosing a thoughtful gift....and sending a thank you is a good way of saying - wow, that was absolutely lovely / delicious / fun...I really appreciated your effort / thoughtfulness / creativity.

Recently, after a supper party (which was big on effort due to the dietry needs of one guest) only one of the four couples wrote to say 'thank you'....and that was by TEXT!

I apologise if this sounds ungrateful, but for goodness sake, how little effort is involved in actually sending a text message?

Answer: very little indeed!

Is there a widespread problem of paper and pen allergies?

Worse still, this evening we received a 'Christmas card' from one of the husband's oldest friends...this 'card' was by email...and this is what it was -

"Seasons Greetings

In line with many of our friends this year we are trying to trim our ever growing list of Christmas Cards Recipiants, so for all those that we are in email contact with, we are using this medium to send this years Seasons Greetings!!!

We hope that you have a Happy Christmas and a Great New Year whatever you are doing.

With Much Love

XXXXXXX"

no amusing pictures sent with it, no photo of them...nothing....whatsoever...or in their case "whatever"!

Here is our reply -

"What, no card with an ickle robin perching on a frosty branch?

What, no hyperlink to a website containing your family as animated dancing elves?

What, no three page newsletter?

You little rebels!"

...Do you think that they will politely get the message?

When they receive my carefully chosen card, with it's handwritten message, do you think they might have a pang of guilt about their missing manners...for they jolly well weren't brought up that way!

I relayed this abomination of manners to my Mother in Law, who writes a personal message in each of her Christmas cards - she thought it acceptable to send 'e cards' only as long as they were like one she recieved last year which was an animated snowman, who moved his snow-manly 'dangly bits' to shoot down snowballs...the mind boggles, but at least it was very amusing!

...and there we are, back to the crux of this subject...it's all about effort, and if you're not prepared to put in a little effort...perhaps it's better not to bother at all, rather than offend old friends by covertly saying you really can't be bothered to put pen to paper?

I write this after writing 80 cards for friends and family and another 90 for the husbands company Christmas cards...and look my fingers are still fully functioning, if a little stiff...and I've written 'Christmas' so many times it's beginning to look weirdly abstract.

But it's done for another year....and that only leaves me with a new quandry...what do I do for those lovely bloggers who I think are witty and clever...in the real world I would send them a Christmas card...but what does one do when you only have an email address...answers on a postcard please!

Fir Fettish!

2008-12-07T21:56:00.010Z

"My name's Hen and I am a Obsessive Compulsive Christmas Tree Decorator...."

(supportive clapping from other members of the OCCTD group)

....huge sigh of relief from Hen, who has been feeling really, seriously, guilty (for years) that she is unable to let her family join in the fun of decorating the family Christmas Trees!

Why should it be so very difficult you may ask?

Mmmm, well that would probably have something to do with the fact that Hen's first job (while at Art school) involved decorating hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees for a smart London store...each one had to pass the discerning eye of the Design director, each tree had to be decorated in exactly the same way, and that meant each baubel being placed in the same position on every tree!!!

When you do this a few years on the trot, it should send you screaming, never wanting to see another baubel or tree again....ever!

But Hen was a child brought up in house where the commandant in charge strongly disapproved of Christmas Trees, well actually just Christmas in general.

So is Hen's obsession with Fir some deep seated rebellion?

No, she just loves the smell, and since she is a complete an utter magpie, the sparkly baubels just add to the attraction!

Now, most people get huge pleasure watching their beloved offspring make decorations, and cover their tree in tinsel....OMG....can you see the Hen's involuntary twitch?

TINSEL???

Random positioning???

Out of the question!

These poor tortured firs get the OCCTD treatment, they HAVE to look perfect, and that means the positioning of the different colours and shapes, and sizes is all important!

....Oh, colour, don't get her on to that....because her trees can't be pretty harlequin trees....no,no,no....her trees must be colour co-ordinated....to within a inch of their life!

And would the Hen like to lose this affliction....yes, she would, but you see, even if she did manage a multi coloured tree....there would be the issue of size, shape......

mmmmm, this is going to need A LOT of therapy to sort this one out....

....interesting case though!

Oh, Hen's just asked me to point out that I absolutely, definitely forgot to mention tree lights...which apparently is also a terribly important issue...white, white, white light is the right light....she says!

Hen would like readers to know that she has managed to drop her associated affliction of asking other members of her family to wrap presents in matching paper and ribbon...seeing mis-matching prezzies under her tree has no affect on her whatsoever...

twitch

no, really it's fine (cue hysterical laughter from her padded cell!).

There's a hole in my ear...

2008-12-07T21:32:00.002Z

We've all been suffering with really vile cold / flu germs....guess what?

The only person in the family who was graced with antibiotics was the Husband...because obviously HIS germs were far more severe, being of the 'MAN FLU' variety.

So now he feels really pretty perky....

....No 1 and I are still feeling rotten, and have nasty ear infections...to us girlies, the Dr begrudgingly gave us some ear drops - they were fantastic....

....fantastic if what you want to achieve is a perforated ear drum...

...I'm trying very hard to be stoic about it, but it hurts....ALOT.

So tomorrow I'm calling him back....and I'm going to tell him we've jolly well got 'MAN FLU' too!

The question is, will a male doctor believe that it's possible for us to have that?

And more to the point, was 'MAN FLU' dreamt up by male doctors who realise that men just have a rubbish pain threshold?

Because, let's face it - if men had to give birth, us humans would have died out a long time ago!!!

My normal upbeat take on life will be resumed shortly!!

Blog Heaven

2008-11-25T23:08:00.003Z

My mobile phone died this week - I have to admit to being rather pleased...

...it's shiny new upgrade is just what the blog doctor ordered...

Steve Jobs - THANK YOU SIR!

The iphone is my super dooper new way of always being able to access blogs..

...I'm pretty sure that wasn't his original raison d'etre...

...but, YIPPEE! anyway!

Who needs Twitter when you can have the real thing?

Now I just need to figure out how!!

We don't really live in the middle of nowhere...it justs feels like it!

2008-11-23T15:13:00.011Z

This email was sent today...

Dear Waitrose,

From time to time I check our postcode to see if a wondrous thing has happened...to see if Waitrose has a care for those living in the no mans land between their stores?

We live between Bath and Cirencester...yet we aren't covered by either home delivery service - if you put in our postcode into your online store this is what you get -

STROUD????

ABERGAVENNY???????

Abergavenny...that's actually in Wales...not just a different county, but a different COUNTRY!!!

Who writes this stuff? Who sits in one of your offices, and dreamt that one up? I hope they had a good laugh, I jolly well did - for it may well have said Outer Mongolia!

I really like shopping in Waitrose, but I have to say it really tests my brand loyalty. Our nearest store is Bath, but in order to shop there I have to drive a 2o mile roundtrip, then pay £2.20 to park for the half an hour it takes to do the shopping.
Over a year this means spending at least £115 - just to park...and in the years that we have lived near Bath we have spent well over a thousand pounds...just in parking fees!!

(Can you feel the steam coming out of my ears?)

It has to be the only supermarket that does this? I understand the situation in Bath (the parking is not owned by Waitrose)...but this is 2008 - and I am still astonished that there is no online facility covering the surrounding area.

Bath only delivers in Bath - an oxymoron if ever there was one.

There are plenty of nice little villages surrounding Bath which are inhabited by Waitrose shoppers, although you are losing them - you've almost lost me a few times!

Then there's Cirencester - Ciren is a great store and they have a lovely manager who would love to deliver to our area...but isn't allowed to, and frankly Cirencester is too far away to be practicable for our weekly shop.

So, there we are - where does that leave us? Still spending lots of 'dead' money on parking...just because I really can't 'do' the other supermarkets, which always look grubby, I can't find my way round and stuffed to the rafters with 'stuff' I'm not the least bit interested in buying (like clothes made in far flung sweatshops or boring electrical lumps of plastic).

And the reason for this email....well we all had flu this week...and it made me realise more than ever, that to have home delivery would have been a saviour...so Dear Mr Tesco, he won the day....and Mr Tesco (who we call 'the dark side' in our house due to them being omnipresent (second only to Starbucks)) is perfectly happy to drive all the way from the nether regions of Bristol....

So....like Martin Luther King...."I have a dream..."

...is it too much to hope for....I don't seriously have to drive to Stroud....do I???

Kind foodie regards,
The Hen

Maybe I still have a temperature?

Cupcakes, Magnolia Style.

2008-11-07T14:22:00.005Z

I got very excited a few weeks ago...it was the day the children broke up from school for half term... they were incredibly tired, and I thought, in need of a treat. As I wandered through Bath doing my shopping I spotted a new flower shop, and my interest peaked when I saw that she had sublet to another company making very pretty cupcakes. I'm such a magpie, I couldn't resist buying the children a box!

I had dreams of NY's Magnolia Bakery and gorgeous Sarah Jessica Parker glamour...

...sadly these were more old apple than Big Apple!

Dry, flavourless sponge...I thought rather wistfully of the Magnolia legend, and hit google!

Wow! The wonders of Cyberspace, within seconds I had been transported to NY and had the precious recipe....YIPPEE!

With no food colourings in the pantry, just some leftover Christmas cake decorations, my cupcakes weren't going to look quite as pretty, but I hoped they would be light and fluffy...

HURRAH - cupcake heaven!

Her recipe makes a really fluffy sponge, and the vanilla comes through really well. The frosting is desperately sweet, but the children LOVED it!

So, for the price of a couple Bath cupcakes....we made 24!

A word of caution...I suspect the little silver balls would take out a loose filling!

Now excited at the prospect of being a cupcake diva, I have spent the GDP of some distant foreign state ordering a Wilton wire cupcake stand...and lots of the pretty decorations...BF has also found where to find the butterflies.....where would we be without Googledom?

I wonder how many calories might reside within a Magnolia cupcake?

Mmm, on second thoughts, perhaps it's better to eat in ignorance!

Magnolia Recipe.

Rare Birds

2008-11-04T09:54:00.010Z

On my last post I received comments from some 'regular' commenters I am terribly fond of...there are quite a few of them that I would love to meet in the 'real world', but I also received a comment from a new (to me) blogger...lovely to see a fresh face, fresh ideas...so I toddled over to her blog to take a peek.

There Polly was talking about spending time with old friends vs strangers, and whether the Old Friends always win over.

I have to say, I think she's right, the friends we have through all our life's little ups and downs (sometimes big ups and downs) know us the best, and there is real comfort in being close to our special friends.

Though while we are on the subject, good girl friends are jolly hard to find - not all women make good friends, and sometimes through my life I have discovered that some friends do not have your best interests at heart. Perhaps as we age (it's got to be the only upside) we learn how to sort the wheat from the Chav?

In my life now there are two women who I think of as my dearest friends, you know, the ones you could ring in a crisis, the ones you trust to keep a secret, the ones who will give you their honest opinions and bring you back down to earth if you are being too princessy!

This special sort of friend is a very rare bird indeed... even rarer if they are the kind you can have a spat with, get over it, and resume normal service again afterwards.

My BF, there's lots I could tell you about her. I ought to hate her - blonde, tall, intelligent, witty, glamorous and exceptionally thoughtful...but she really is impossible to dislike.

We share our highs and lows, we console each other about our children's misdemeanours (and discover all children are the same). We have the occasional whinge about our lovely Husbands (we do appreciate them really!). We compare notes on life's little challenges...most of all we get laughter, huge compassion and support...unconditionally.

I do wish BF was the sister I never had... she's a gem.

Then there's my dear friend P, how she manages to sync being spiritual, beautiful and incredibly funny I don't know?

She is one of those people who radiates loveliness and calm...I would like to be more like her...but often my behavior is less admirable!

Sadly this is the real world, and rare birds like BF and my lovely friend P are endangered species!

Too many women are spiky to other women, or gain perverse pleasure, by putting the cat amongst the pigeons.

Why they get a kick from this is a good question...and without too much psychoanalysis I think the answer lies in their own confidence - so does that mean that our best friends have to have chutzpah?

Perhaps the answer lies with my Mother in Law's favourite phrase...she always says with a grin "I am growing old disgracefully!" She doesn't care about her age, she just wants to have fun, and be close to those around her - she genuinely wants to make them happy too.

So thank you, lovely rare bird bloggers, for there are a good few of you out there in blogworld who are 'virtually' friends! It never ceases to amaze and delight me that so much empathy and support is spread across the oceans via cyberspace. You are fun and insightful...and as I said at the top - I would love to meet a good many of you in real life, for I suspect you are the kind of women who make really fabulous friends.

Although I do wonder - does not meeting in real life make it easier to be a good friend, and if so how much of that is as a result of writing?

Perhaps thinking about what you are writing to someone, as opposed to opening ones mouth and engaging brain afterwards (a trick done too often by me) is a easier way of having friends?

Whichever way - I am a lucky old bird.

BF, P and pals, and all you fabulous cyber-gals...thank you for being you!

Hen

xxxx

Alter Snogging and Cold Chicken

2008-10-30T16:25:00.011Z

OOOPs - this blogging absenteeism is feeble I know, but it's been a busy month...becoming 40 is high maintenance I've decided!

For my actual Birthday I snuck off with my Bestest Friend (BF) to a fabulous spa for a couple of days of pampering...and an attempt to make me look a little less ancient (BF doesn't have this problem).

The hotel was lovely, firstly because it didn't look like an hotel at all, and secondly because everything was pretty perfect (which is saying something, as I'm famously fussy).

Thankfully it was the kind of establishment which echews cabbage leaves for supper, and we ate very well indeed, a gorgeous Autumn menu with black truffle pasta, venison and pigeon...we modestly shared a pud - our tummies being quite full of game, champagne, French Martini and Vino.

We wandered back to our room, laughing at how our children have had thousands of sleepovers together, yet this was our first!

Our lovely husbands were 'home alone' with the children...while we sat in our beds drinking delicious vintage champagne (she is a fabulous best friend) and watching "Sex in the City" on the most enormous plasma screen telly!

The next day after a delicious breakkie and another round of primping and pummling we returned to reality...but not too quickly. My lovely Godson had given me the treat of meeting Michel Roux, a literary lunch and his new book "Pastry" (a fav personal subject of mine).

I was rather slow to come back to earth after a fab massage, so unfortunately we were rather late for the ladies literary lunch, and we racked up at the end a little bit flustered and hungry...Best Friend whisked the remains of the MOST delicious tomato tart away from the exiting waitress, and we queued up to meet M. Roux.

The Maestro is in his 70's and looks a little fragile, but don't be fooled, he had all us Wives of Bath drooling at his fab French accent, huge charisma and fantastic food, when we reached the head of the queue he looked perky, sitting in front of the Alter (this church having previously had Nigella 'preach'!)

Well, we had just spent two days being primped and pummled into utter gorgeousness...so what could a red blooded Frenchman do but take the opportunity of snogging and squeezing two of his youngest fans?

The older tweed clad ladies behind us got extremely shirty about not getting snogged, one demanded "What if I say it's my Birthday, do I get a kiss?" The King of Pastry replied with a dismissive gaelic shrug and twinkly eye - what could he do? "We are in a church" he reminded her.

We were a smidge late picking up our offspring from the playground...as I raced in, the other Mothers were filtering out...THREE of them asked me if I'd had Botox?!!!!! I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or an insult - hopefully it's the former?! Or was it an inditement of how ropey I looked before? Mmmmm.

More Birthday spoiling followed, with the prettiest cake...

(BF is utter Domestic Goddess) and tea party...when the Husband appeared, at her house, I did think it was a tad suspicious....she took my offspring, and he took me off for a night of passion at our favourite local hotel (I know who got the better end of that deal...I owe her a very big favour indeed!)

More fab food later (there's a theme here!) which was utterly spoiling I was very happy, but what made me feel very pampered indeed was how much BF and Husband had made the treats just go on and on...no mid life crisis here -being 40 is fabulous...and one more gorgeous treat to come!

Of course this is the real world, so it was back to reality with a very large BUMP...a phonecall from school on the way home to report No 2 child is playing up, and not doing her homework....could we go in and discuss?...grrrrrr, just when you think all is fluffy bunnies and heavenly - why is that?

Anyhow, now it really is business as usual, back to school runs and chickens....speaking of which they aren't laying very well (they are moulting), one is very bald indeed...so much so that this morning I had to fashion a 'jumper' out of an old pair of knitted tights, it should keep her warm - it's a polo neck affair in fushia pink. Hopefully she'll be as happy a Hen as I!

So 'Thank you' BF for being such a wonderful one, and 'Thank you' Husband for being so spoily...I'm a very lucky 'old bag' indeed!

Divination

2008-09-04T18:45:00.005+01:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged - the combination of the children on summer holiday and our literal washout of a summer conspired to tie me 'to the kitchen sink'.

AAAAAAHHHH, it's jolly good to be back!

Speaking of water (there were no hosepipe bans this summer!!!) we had an interesting afternoon recently...

When we finally get round to refurbing this horrible pile, we are going to heat it with an open loop ground source heat pump. Smart Americans have been using these for yonks, but they are just beginning to become popular here.

In order to see if our site is suitable for an open loop bore hole we recently had a visit from a water diviner to check our ground!

A rotund chap, he bore an uncanny resemblance to Jim Royle, which didn't do a great deal to quell my misgivings about whether divining is 'for real' or whether it's really a case of the Emperors new clothes....with us in the lead role of naked monarchs!

'Jim' marched around our garden with his bits of bent coat hanger, I have to confess I was having to try very hard to keep a straight face. This English upper lip was far from stiff!

I might have been able to have believed in 'it', had it not been for stage two of the divining process.

Once 'Jim' had selected his most favoured spot, under a tree (!) he proceeded to do further 'tests'...

Please don't pee yourself, but I will try to describe his antics...

'Jim' stood clasping one coathanger to his barrel chest, then bent over and touched his toes, exposing a vast area of wobbly white back crack. He straightened up, a Yogic like movement then followed, raising his free hand over his head and expelling air while he lowered his hand past his face, neck and then chest.

"Ah, yes" he murmered "Yes, the water is 240' down."

He repeated his 'Yoga' move again....and declared "Yes!... and I would say you have about 58 gallons per minute there!"

The Husband and I exchanged micro expressions, which included covert raised eyebrows.

How much faith would you have in Jim Royle standing in your back garden making such outlandish claims? Sorry 'Jimbo' I was struggling to believe in something which looked so comical.

After we had parted with 200 quid.....(was that worth the performance art?) he drove off to another wannabe naked monarch.

And the proof of the pudding......will be in the drilling, though given the amount of blasted water which has fallen out of the sky this summer....maybe we don't need to drill a hole after all?

For those of you who don't know Jim...this was my favourite clip - ever!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMxip17AvmU

Update - we are so absorbed in this house project....we've forgotten that everyone else might not have read all those green building books...so here's a little explanation!

A ground source heat pump is a way of using heat from the ground to heat your home, it can be done in a few different ways, one of which is a 'slinky' buried under football pitch sized piece of garden, which uses viscous glycol in it's tubes - hard to pump and can cause cooling to the ground over time.

The other way is open loop - a very deep narrow 'well' from which you pump up the ground water, take out the heat and put the water back in the ground. True greenies don't like GSHP's because they use an electric pump for a few hours a day....sadly modern demands make living 'off grid' pretty impossible for most families....and having a hot bath once a week won't work for me!!

Incy Problem

2008-07-22T08:25:00.004+01:00

Of late, the beautiful, sleek, German that shares our house has been having a little problem, she sits on the drive and wails, the Husband who is terribly fond of her, can't work out what is causing the problem, and it's been troubling him greatly.

Funnily enough this has only been happening since the Husband started cycling to work, perhaps Helga misses being taken to the office everyday? Temper, temper Helga!

Anyhow the wife and children were dispatched the other day to take Helga to a doctor ....obviously she had to see the best....but which one....the main dealership half an hour from home, that we usually use? No! Let's send everyone on a 'day out' and ask them to take Helga up the motorway for a hour to.....(wait for it).....SWINDON

(deep intake of breath).

Swindon is quite a special place - not for it's beauty, but for the incredible fact that every part of it looks exactly the same, and it is utterly overpopulated by roundabouts....which again, all look exactly the same...even Helga's sat nav got confused.

After a lot of driving around in circles, and saying unrepeatable things about the husband, we were at the point of abandoning this trip and heading for home, when we spotted Helga's saviour, we handed her over to the men in white coats.

We sat for over a hour while she was examined, tested and monitored...

...the girls were very good, they played with the drinks machines, and made the whole showroom hot chocolate, which I am certain the staff appreciated (ha,ha,ha)!

Eventually, our expert appeared, to give his analysis of the situation...he looked grave...

"Well, Mrs Hen," he said, "we've run every test we can, and she's not showing any problems, I suspect that it could be...."

We didn't let him finish, for us girls had been suspecting the reason for Helga's symptoms for weeks......

...."Is a spider setting off the alarm?"

"Most likely" replied the expert, looking relieved at our reaction.

We rolled around the showroom floor clutching our stomachs and not even attempting to conceal our snorts of laughter (we did think it was funny even after the terrible journey).

"The best thing to do..." suggested the expert, concealing a smirk......"is hoover the car!"

All that fabulous german technology....and it's the good old hoover that saves the day!

We drove home, laughing like drains....and couldn't wait to tell the Husband about Helga's Incy Wincy problem!

If Tracey Emin Blogged...

2008-07-17T22:28:00.006+01:00

Inspired by "Hate and Power can be a terrible thing".

Fridge confidential

2008-07-16T19:47:00.004+01:00

Matron Mary had an 'open fridge' yesterday....and asked us to join in the expose....revealing through our fridges what we are really like!

Quick! wipe off the sticky marks, chuck out the stuff with fur on it, remove traces of mouldy cheese....phew!

OK, Happy to oblige Matron...

Bit empty, I haven't been shopping for a few days...

just the basics...

which or course means plenty of gin...

proper meat lurks in the freezer...

veggies from the garden...

from this it is possible to deduce we are not in party mode, or about to receive guests...

...shame, that's when I'm happiest!

I suspect this says more about us...

In other news, I must thank Blackbird for her camping post...No 1 child read it over my shoulder... and cried...."ooh, I'm doing that too."....ten minutes later they had created this -

The cat doesn't look very impressed by the idea of a night under canvas!

However, the grown ups loved the idea!!!!

Family Portraits

2008-07-16T16:20:00.004+01:00

Created today, our latest round of family portraits...

Mummy

Daddy

No 1

No 2

MMM...perhaps not the most flattering of likenesses!

How quickly did you guess that these were composed by No 2....

Still Standing

2008-07-12T11:30:00.007+01:00

Only the English could sit in torrential rain...

....and be as happy as happy can be!

Thank you Captain Fantastic....you rocked!

Prize day

2008-07-10T16:17:00.007+01:00

Three hours of sitting through junior prize giving today left me feeling a wee bit gloomy and cynical...the way our prize day is structured means that my offspring have zero chance of winning anything.

Every year I watch on while the same ones win effort prizes (mmm, since mine see it as their mission in life to do the bare minimum, and spend the rest of the time having fun - little chance there then!).

Then there are the ones who excell in sport, and win armfuls of huge silver cups.... mine will never get those either!

No 2's end of term report was a classic -

P.E and Games:

No 2 made a good start to P.E. this year, although she often forgets her kit

(for this read deliberately hides it behind the changing room radiator) and cannot compete competiitively without this.

She lacks confidence in hockey and netball, and at times can be easily distracted by others, which often results in missing key information....

(translation: No 2 is a total gossip who ignores all my lectures on the joys of netball).

By Miss England Sports Team Jolly Hockeysticks Teacher.

Shame they don't give out prizes for being a bookworm ...or for chutzpah!

The schools favourite way of describing her is 'lively' - this is teacher speak for a fidgit who talks too much!

Anyhow, now it's me that's 'off task', what I was driving at was that it's been one of 'those' days...

Today was only lightened so far by karma dealing a blow to the snooty mother who gave me a smug look when I 'skipped' my little car....at the end of prize-giving the Headmaster announced that somebody had illegally parked their huge, black, posh, four wheel drive...

...it had been towed away, and taken to the Police pound!!!!

She really would have been better off parking the car in a skip like I did!

So it really was extra specially lovely to receive this from Green Girl -

THANK YOU! That was the perfect warm and fuzzy feeling that I needed this afternoon!!

This award is to be continued around the glorious world of bloggydom....what an easy task...

Mary Alice - I can always rely on a stream of love and wisdom from the frontlines.
Jen - she juggles her life with such good humor and such a huge capacity for caring for others.
Suburban Correspondent - the ultimate mother....10 months of blogging and I now can't manage my children without her lists!
Life as I Know It - gentle and funny.
The Mom Bomb - I have to give her this.....or she'll blow!
Mary - the rocking Matron...what would we do without her wayward, work shy students, dramatic children, scary journeys and impossible weather!
Alice Band - for services to motherhood, kitten breeding, shopping and flirting with foreign dignitaries.
TXPoppet - for fabulous canned laughter and gorgeously retro graphics.
Clare Grant for making me grateful, and seeing 3BT everyday.
Vlashka - at Mr B's...this is her first award - and out does the 'Nibby' by an awfully long way! (just joking Nic!)

Thank you all for making my day so many times over, for making me laugh so hard my stomach aches, for making me cry, for being able to see that everyone is dealing with the same things, for the ace suggestions in childcare....and for always looking on the bright side...this is for you!

xxxxxHenxxxxx

Would you? Could You?

2008-07-08T19:58:00.005+01:00

I'd love to...but fear there isn't a novel lurking within....what about you?

Click on the image for a larger view

Does this apply to blogging too?

With a big hugs to 'Stanley' for letting me reproduce this gorgeously ironic gem from-

'The Catacombs Of Terror' by Stanley Donwood

Published by Hedonist Books

ISBN: 0 9541782 2 x

www.slowlydownward.com

Never rains, but it pours

2008-07-08T19:02:00.003+01:00

The weather for tomorrow has officially been forecast as...

"Absolutely dreadful"

...they said so on the telly!

Is 'absolutely dreadful' a technical term?

What does it mean?

Is it a tornado, a hurricane, a drop of rain or a dull day with clouds?

I'm guessing it means MORE rain!

Because the English aren't obsessed with the weather are they?!!!

Accessories for boys.

2008-07-04T08:05:00.005+01:00

"The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys."

I don't know who originally said it...but they must have been female...and they must have a Husband just like mine!

The Husband loves his toys - the most impressive was the sports car which he built himself, sadly it had to be sold when No 2 child arrived and we needed a car with 4 seats :-( .

Like most men he loves a gadget, he and friends discuss them (!) and love knowing who has got the biggest strimmer / mower / circular saw - bless!

They are wired so differently from us!

The Husbands latest 'thing' is cycling to work....brought on when he moved jobs, and went into an office full of fitness supremos - within a fortnight he too, had joined the high vis' jacket crowd!

Yesterday he purchased some new cycling shorts and some special gloves with gel padding (such soft hands)...all went unnoticed until this morning, when he emerged wearing the new gear.

From downstairs, I could hear raucous laughter and hoots of derision from the girls....not normally given to laughing that early in the day. The cause of this humour....seeing their lycra clad father dressed in what have now been nicknamed "Susannah and Trinny magic knickers". However, the loudest squeals were a result of seeing the packaging for the gloves.

As you all know, men love techno speak...so not only do the new gloves have ' 3mm gel padding under chamude palm pads', 'articulated palms' and "airprene cuffs'....they also have a built in terry towelling NOSE WIPE....

....darlings, it's the latest thing I tell you....! How yukky?

It might be lucky to have your glove picked up for you if you drop it....just somebody remind me - never pick up cycling gloves - you'll know what's on them!

Silly

2008-07-02T22:32:00.005+01:00

Mrs G, mentor and all round good egg wrote today about a silly youthful moment she once had, and asked us to confess our silliest moments....there have been quite a few - where to begin?

At 16 I went to stay with an old friend of mine in Dorset - the lucky thing had been given a flat by her parents - so staying with her always felt so grown up!

This time, I arrived and was introduced to her new beau - a bit of a 'Rupert' but polite enough!

After a late supper my friend (she was the first to call me Hen) and I decided it might be fun to go to a club..."No" said the young Tory boyfriend....he detested nightclubs....instead he made the suggestion of....

....dressing up as Roundheads and Cavaliers and driving to Corfe Castle for a walk....wouldn't that be amusing?

MMM, wasn't I glad he wasn't MY boyfriend?

Apparently, this was what he did at weekends (being a member of the Sealed Knot) - it was two against one (she was still in the first flush of love with him, and eager to please)....so I joined in (still thinking the club would have been much more fun).

She, He & Me..and the dog got in the car, and drove off to the castle!

The ruins of Corfe Castle look pretty creepy during the day - I have to tell you they look like something out of a horror movie at midnight!

We walked half way round the castle mount...when my friend and I both noticed a really strong smell of lemon! At the same time the dog started barking ferociously. She and I scrabbled around in the undergrowth trying to find the source of the smell - wherever we walked the smell appeared to follow us, but could not be found.

After a while, and being unable to console the dog, 'Rupert' began to wonder if he knew the source of this scent...."Hmmm" he pondered in all seriousness...."I believe this is the Castle ghost".....quicker than you can say 'grease lighting' us girls ran for our lives...and the silly boyfriend followed - his sword clanking against his armour as we made a dash for the car park.

Running through Corfe village dressed as Cavaliers at midnight - we must have made a bizarre sight, and all was well until a car full of drunken locals spotted us, and gave chase!

I can tell you, while we hid in a doorway gasping for breath, I did think it was just about the silliest thing I had ever done...

until the next time I made a bad decision!

As a postcript - the boyfriend turned out to be much creepier than the ghost!

Skipping

2008-06-29T18:32:00.004+01:00

Lest any of you gorgeous bloggers out there suspect my life of being too full of bliss, let me share what happened last month....it's taken that long to sort it all out!

I feel I can share my shame after reading Suburban Correspondants blog....mmm, the blogosphere - are we just all members of one huge AA group? - Pardon the pun!

(the AA in the UK is a car breakdown and rescue organisation)

Firstly, I will try to persuade you that there were mitigating circumstances to my error of judgement!

I made lunch for someone I hadn't seen in ages...she spilled out her relationship woes....I listened, mopped tears....did tea and sympathy.

Then immediately afterwards I had to jump in the car to collect the children from school....I drove carefully enough (although my mind was racing about what she had been through)...the problems started when I went to park.

As I was running a smidgy bit late, the road was really crowded .

Aha - bliss - I spotted a really good sized space a little further along the road, just the other side of a skip (dumpster)

It was one of those moments you shout a little "hurrah" - someone kind is looking down on you!

As I drove towards the said skip, another car wizzed towards me from the opposite direction - thinking she was going to 'ding' my car, I shimmied into the space, and out of her way....

Well, that's what was supposed to happen - except I ended up scrunching up my own bodywork.

Did you know skips have really sharp corners?

I caught the back passenger door on the corner of the skip - I knew this, because there was a gut wrenching sound of metal ripping metal!

Now, being stuck hanging inelegantly off the corner of a bright yellow skip isn't a very comfortable position to be in....especially when you are outside school - and all the Yummy Mummies happen to be watching your skipping antics from their Pork Cayennes.

I tried to think quickly how best to unhook myself -

Should I drive forward?

Should I drive backwards?

Girls, I have to tell you - I did BOTH....

Both resulted in even more metallic crunching noises, and wincing from the Yummy Mummies - they almost registered horror (far too much Botox to actually register real horror).

My girls surveyed the damage - there was much eyeball rolling, and muttering about what 'Daddy' would say.

Once safely home, I rang my insurance company....after answering a zillion questions the best one they came up with was -

"And did the skip suffer any damage?"

I bit my lip hard - what I wanted to say was - "It was a naffing great big metal skip - it's fine - it's my car that's scarred".....but I had already spotted the deliberate mistake -

it was a huge great naffing yellow skip - so how the hell did I manage to hit it

Senior moment or school girl error - neither a good option!

The Insurance company sorted everything out, except that because it was my fault they wouldn't loan me a nice little German car while my nice little German car was in the garage......

Perhaps because I am the stupid woman who parked in a skip, and can't be trusted!

No, instead I get to borrow the dreaded garage loan car.....dah, dah, dahhhhh - yes, you've guessed it - a tin can on wheels.

The chirpy chappy from the garage said - "Ahh, we have a loan car for you - it's a Renault Clio Campus"....I will translate - a car for poor students - fabulous - I remain unconvinced that there actually was an engine beneath the bonnet, and pulling out at junctions was like playing chicken, since you were never quite sure if it would make it across the road.

I know I should have been grateful...and I was...it's just...

As if having the Yummy Mummies watch my antics wasn't punishment enough!

Four Rooms And A View.

2008-06-26T22:19:00.004+01:00

Mrs G wanted to see our favourite spaces - happy to oblige Mrs G, here are mine -

Until 18 months ago, we lived in a beautiful little Georgian house - it didn't have much garden, but the house was really pretty - mainly as a result of us working on it for 12 years....but I loved every room.

I have to show you those - where we live now is a dump - work in progress...and will be for a while - I just hope not 12 years, like last time....so I'll stay outside - the view is better!

Bad Karma?

2008-06-24T17:28:00.012+01:00

I had never actually killed anything....well apart from the odd spider...oh, and an awful lot of wasps (can't stand wasps)

(obviously this doesn't include W.A.S.P.s - certainly never swatted any of them!).

I suppose living in the country it was inevitable, that at some point something would have to be despatched.

We've had an ongoing problem with squirrels (not the adorable, rare red variety, but grotty grey squirrels) and as friends of ours had their house totally flambe'd by squirrels, munching through electric cables in their roof, we are more than a little anxious about the damage these pests can do.

The Husband often does a little target practice on these beasts, but they are wiley creatures and avoid his best efforts (possibly his aim is a little off - but the opportunities inevitably arise when he has just got out of the shower, and he isn't exactly prepared for a hunting expedition.) Taking aim from the bedroom window whilst clinging to your bath towel probably isn't ideal.

I certainly never imagined I would have to take on that mantle.

This afternoon I took some scraps to our hens, I took some time out to fuss one of our Easter babies - now a full sized rooster!

While I sat on the grass tickling the rooster's tummy (he likes it) I spotted a squirrel on the other side of the electric fence. I growled at it and when it didn't move, I chased it away. I didn't imagine for a minute that it would reappear two minutes later giving me a squirrel version of the 'v' sign.

Other than throwing eggs at it (what a waste) I wasn't prepared for dealing with squirrels - so I shouted for the Hound.

The Hound's quarry is usually limited to tennis balls (she has a fetish for them), initially she was a bit slow to react. Thankfully she soon caught on to the concept of a new target and went for the 'tree rat'.

What then followed was a surprise - The dog went for the squirrel, withdrew, then the squirrel went for the dog, then played dead...only to launch another attack on the dog...then once again play dead.

This battle was vile - with me feeling increasingly desperate, hating every horrible second - if the husband had been at home he would have dealt with the situation.

My top concern was that the squirrel should be cleanly dispatched, and as the Hound was making a rather of a saga of it, someone else was going to have to do the deed....worst of all....

.....I suspected this person was me.

Not wanting to be the pathetic 'girlie wuss' I tried to think what he would do, so I ran and got his gun....ahh - problem - I didn't actually know what to DO with it!

Ugh, ghastly this was definitely not on my list of pleasurable summer afternoon activities. What to do? But call the Husband at work....

....of course his work colleagues thought it completely hysterical that his (obviously) loopy wife was calling him at the office to get operating instructions on firearms....especially funny that the aforementioned wife couldn't even work out if said gun was actually loaded

(WELL, I've never picked one up before).

Thankfully my first attempt was clean, quick - and the squirrel was no more.

Girlie wuss I might not be, but this hunting lark really isn't going to catch on with me - goodness only knows how much bad karma you get from polishing off a squirrel on behalf of a Hound who can only cope with chasing tennis balls?

Eating for England

2008-06-24T09:23:00.006+01:00

Five days of clearing up vomit...and I'm the only one that hasn't actually thrown up! I have felt pretty awful, but did the starvation thing to kill of any bugs lurking in my stomach. So without the up chuck, but with all the other symptoms I have taken it easy the last few days.
My way of coping has been to don a big cashmere sweater, drink lots of water and read something light....reading when you are ill is a big thing for me - I actually have a little selection of books which are my 'ill' books - ones I turn to when I need cheering up!

This time I tried a new book - Nigel Slater's "Eating For England".

Wrapped up, with the book balanced on a pillow, I read his descriptions of 'English' food - it brought back so many memories - what is it about food which does that?

It got me thinking...what food memories I had from my childhood...

I grew up with a mother who despised cooking, she majored in reheating things - mostly from Marks and Spencer, with additions from Birds Eye - fish fingers with their luminous breadcrumbs, or beef burgers, which my mother thought were good quality because it said 100 % beef (oh, dear god - what parts of the cow?).

Pudding was equally awful, again things out of packets dished up without any love or care - Arctic Roll being one of the most disappointing - so dry it stuck to your tooth enamel. The other pud she bought was packets of Butterscotch Angel Delight - which I would make, I loved this - it tasted strongly of chemicals, but there was something soothing about the texture - comfort food!

Food was seen as a chore in our house, eating it bore no enjoyment, the biggest fuss being who cleared up afterwards - there wasn't a dishwasher in the early days.

The only light in this foodie hell, was the weekly visit from my Aunt, this saviour loved cooking - not, I suspect because she particularly loved cooking itself - but I realised from a very young age that she cooked as an act of love. Every week she would cook Shepherds pie, every week she would cook the potato and before topping off the pie, she would make a saucer of buttery mash for me to eat while the rest of the pie cooked.
This mash is one of my abiding memories of childhood and of her!

When I left home, I had no culinary skills (other than making Angel Delight or toast), I worked really long hours, came home tired....and repeated what I knew - microwaving more vile packets of ready prepped 'food'. It was only when we moved out of London and had children I began to question our eating habits, and gradually began to learn how to cook!

The microwave was lost a good ten years ago - it's only purpose for it's last few years was making poppadoms!

In Nigel's book he trys to describe different cooks - I fall between two - the 'grow your own cook' and the 'cool modern shopper cook' - perhaps because after 13 years I'm still 'in training'!

I'm an Aga (I would never have anything else now) cook, who has a penchant for buying cookery books - they sit on the kitchen window sill - good job it's a wide window, as there are now 72 of them! I follow recipes, and don't have the confidence to make things up. I swear by certain books, but can't bear Delia!

I shop at the local farm shop - and get a nervous twitch if I forget my canvas bags - plastic is a no-no!
I like heavy cookware, catering quality equipment, I get a perverse pleasure from saving leftovers and turning them into something else, I get a kick out of putting homemade things in the freezer!
I love 'wild' food - Elderflowers from the garden transform into ice cream and cordial, blackberries turn into Bramble jelly -then the summer pleasure of home grown veg from the garden. OK, so it's not rocket science, but sometimes it is the simple stuff that makes people happy!

Now my cooking is about LOVE, it is about the ingredients, what is in season. Not to pick the most expensive 'in thing', but to pick things that will comfort and please.

Nigel Slater's Aparagus and Lemon Risotto.

The Italians have it right - they cook with love and care - it is an expression of affection for their family and friends - I might have missed this when I was little, but I'm making up for it now.

So Mr Slater if you were to pigeon hole me - I'd like to be referred to as the "Trainee Italian Mama", and certainly not a "Cookery Hen"! ....Thank you for cheering me up!

If you would like a trip down the memory lane of pear drops, tapioca and crumpets buy "Eating for England".

Other rather good books by Nigel Slater on my window sill -
Real Food
Real Cooking
The Kitchen Diaries

also read - Toast (his biography)

Micro Blog

2008-06-20T08:30:00.001+01:00

After 48 hours of No 2 being sick, and me scraping vomit off bedclothes at 3am....we are back in the world of the well.

I normally post a photo....perhaps not this time.

Ringing alarm bells

2008-06-17T11:19:00.006+01:00

Yesterday on the breakfast news there was a report from Aldeburgh in Suffolk - to give you some background - Aldeburgh used to be a sleepy town of artists and fishermen.

In recent years it has become a rather 'popular' place to move to.

Aldeburgh is rightly proud of it's heritage, including the 500 year old church, and the rather wonderful bells.

Church bells may be silenced after residents have complained about the noise!

The Aldeburgh Festival, in Aldeburgh, Suffolk, was launched 60 years ago by Benjamin Britten and Peter Pears and features the peal of the church bells, but 20 residents have complained that they disturb Sunday peace and amount to a statutory nuisance under environmental laws.

The Rev Nigel Hartley, the Vicar of St Peter and St Paul's Church, Aldeburgh, said: 'Our tower has stood here since the 14th century and its bells have been rung for at least 500 years. They have called the faithful to worship and reminded the less faithful of their heritage.'

Rev Hartley said that one of the petitioners had bought a house next to the church. 'What would happen,' he asked, 'if someone bought a house close to Ipswich Town football stadium? Would they, on the same grounds of finding it a nuisance, be able to silence the crowds at every home game?'

A council spokesman confirmed that there had been a complaint, although said that a formal petition had not yet been received.

It's interesting that the local council say that they have not received a petition - so it appears that this is only one individual - who obviously doesn't understand how to live in the country - or what a part of our heritage she is trying to lose.

Until 2007, we lived for 13 years in a village with an 800 year old church - complete with bells - every wednesday night the bell ringers practiced hard.....all evening.
It's a shame they weren't terribly good at it - but even so, the sound of the bells ringing was a pleasure - and an important part of our community.

I have to say it really irritates me, when people move next to a school, then complain about mothers parking and dropping off, or buy a property on a busy road, and then complain about traffic noise...

...buy a house next to a church, and hello! what on earth did you expect to hear from a church tower? heavy rock music, yodelling, elephants trumpeting?

If you really can't bear the natural noises which are part of everyday life in the country - then be a hermit, go live in a cave up a mountain - just be careful you don't get annoyed by bird song or the sound of wind blowing trees in a breeze -

I suspect the Revd Hartley is far too nice to say this!

Keep Ringing!

Ring loud and ring proud - we are too quick in this green and pleasant land to throw away our culture and heritage.

http://www.aldeburghparishchurch.org.uk/index.html

images courtesy of Google

Drunk

2008-06-17T10:44:00.003+01:00

What is it about us Brits?

With the Scottish parliament discussing banning shop sales of booze to anyone under 21 on a Friday or Saturday night, UK towns are full of drunken louts starting fights and clogging up our already overstretched hospitals, I suspect we don't have a healthy relationship with booze.

No other language has so many different words or phrases for being drunk - 141 to be precise!

drunk,• adj, euphemisms include:

Ankled (Bristol)

Badgered, Banjaxed, Battered, Befuggered, Bernard Langered, Bladdered, Blasted, Blathered, Bleezin, Blitzed, Blootered, Blottoed, Bluttered, Boogaloo, Brahms & Liszt, Buckled, Burlin

Cabbaged, Chevy Chased, Clobbered

Decimated, Dot Cottoned, Druck-steaming, Drunk as a Lord, Drunk as a skunk

Etched

Fecked, Fleemered (Germany), Four to the floor

Gatted, Goosed, Got my beer goggles on, Guttered (Inverness)

Had a couple of shickers, Hammer-blowed, Hammered, Hanging, Having the whirlygigs, Howling

Inebriated, Intoxicated

Jahalered, Jaiked up (West of Scotland), Jan'd - abbrev for Jan Hammered, Jaxied, Jeremied, Jolly

Kaned

Lagged up, Lamped, Langered (Ireland) [also langers, langerated], Laroped, or alt. larrupt, Lashed, Leathered, Legless, Liquored up (South Carolina), Locked, Locked out of your mind (Ireland), Loo la

Mad wey it, Mandoo-ed, Mangled, Manky, Mashed, Meff'd, Merl Haggard, Merry, Minced, Ming-ho, Minging, Moired, Monged, Monkey-full, Mottled, Mullered

Newcastled, Nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant

Off me pickle, Off me trolley, On a campaign, Out of it, Out yer tree

Paggered, Palintoshed, Paraletic, Peelywally, Peevied, Pickled, Pie-eyed, Pished, Plastered, Poleaxed, Pollatic

Rat-legged (Stockport), Ratted, Ravaged, Razzled, Reek-ho, Rendered, Rosy glow, Rubbered, Ruined

Saying hello to Mr Armitage, Scattered, Schindlers, Screwed, Scuttered (Dublin), Shedded [as in " My shed has collapsed taking most of the fence with it"], Slaughtered, Sloshed, Smashed, Snatered (Ireland), Snobbled (Wales), Sozzled, Spangled, Spannered, Spiffed, Spongelled, Squiffy, Steamin, Steampigged, Stocious, Stonkin

Tanked, Tashered, Tipsy, Trashed, Trollied, Troubled, Trousered, Twisted

Warped, Wasted, Wellied, With the fairies, Wrecked

Zombied

So how is the binge drinking situation avoided?

I was brought up drinking small amounts of wine at supper, in fact long before I was allowed to drink black coffee, I was given wine!

I think I've got a healthy attitude to drink - I enjoy it, but don't overdo it - is that nature or nurture?

I'm repeating the same attitude with our children - one hates wine, one loves it (worryingly) - and where will that take them - will they be drink aware?

How are you guiding yours?

141 versions of drunk - from the bbc

Long service medal

2008-06-16T17:28:00.012+01:00

This month, 'my Husband and I' have been married for 15 years - I am relieved to report the years have whizzed by - and it doesn't feel like that long at all!

So as the anniversary neared, I dreamt up a suitable present - (it's the crystal anniversary, about time for it to be something decent, after years of foil, string or wood).

Glasses - mmm, no, we're not keen on cut glass, and the beautiful plain crystal glasses we had as a wedding present have all been smashed by dinner guests too smashed themselves to realise they had dropped expensive little numbers from Germany...

...We ended replacing those with cheap £1.99 copies from Habitat to avoid having to make the 'no problem' faces, when we actually wanted to sob.... So that option was out!

Most other glassy ideas were too girlie - I concluded that cufflinks were a good option for the boy who has everything...I found some gorgeous Babette Wasserman Amethyst cufflinks - perfect for my purple loving, 1960's, husband!

The day dawned....his card greeted me as I opened my sleepy eyes to my morning cuppa...

...no rocks - damn, damn, damn!

But inside his card lurked a lovely present - a Extravagant Mr B's Spa Treatment!

For those of you who don't live near Bath - Apologies - our award winning bookstore will out trump most things....on this occasion, it even out trumped rocks!

A Mr B's Swag Bag.

This morning I tripped off to be indulged in book heaven!

Nic welcomed me into the cosy armchair with a cup of tea and a very gooey brownie...my literary likes and dislikes were discussed, and probably appalled him - (as I discussed over at the virtual bookclub last week please read it - not for my thoughts, but for a peek at the swooneyness of Mr Docx).

Like an attentive and intelligent assistant in a chic shoe store, Nic brought his selections of books and laid them at my feet (my hands full of brownie).

Just as one would feel spoilt for choice surrounded by boxes of Jimmy Choo's, I struggled to make my 'directors cut' of those books that would make it home with me.

Another cup of tea, and a little input from Juliette, and I made my choices...hope you all approve - I'd especially love to know what you think of these - if you have read them!

How do you rate this as a long service medal? It's an eclectic selection - best not analysed too deeply - I'm not sure what it might say about me!

I'm off now to drink my Mr B's hot chocolate and read....mmm, which one first?

The Truth About Modern Fiction

2008-06-12T12:02:00.002+01:00

Today I'm over at book group HQ!

History - it's in your Genes

2008-06-10T20:43:00.005+01:00

This could have been a rant about how tricky it is to find Jeans that fit....I could write reams on that!

Instead this is a post about the cloth from which we're cut!

Thirteen years ago I was given a holiday diary written by my Husband's Granny in the 1960's, it may have been an odd thing to have been called a 'gift'....but what an interesting present it turned out to be!

I always hated History at school, it was dry and bored me so utterly senseless, that my friend Joanna and I spent our History lessons reading Shirley Conran's 'Lace'!

We used to put our massive school bags on the desk in front of us, and hid behind them, reading the salacious parts of that literary masterpiece whilst sucking salt and vinegar crisps (we had to suck them, so that no crunching noises were detected).

What happened to the Goldfish almost made us squeak so loudly, that we gave the game away....so we stuffed our mouths in a very unladylike fashion with more crisps.

It won't surprise you to hear that I failed History - what I learnt could have easily fitted on the back of a postage stamp....

You can imagine my lack of excitement...being given Granny's diary years later!

I thought I would speed read (out of politeness) a little before shoving it on the bookshelf and forgetting it was there....that was 13 years ago, and a lot has changed since then - including me!

On her first trip to Canada, Granny described seeing a supermarket for the first time....she sees the things we now take for granted as if she was an alien landing on earth...it amused me, the way she described a shopping trolley - as a wire cage with wheels and a plastic rod for a handle - she'd never come across one of those before either!

Amongst these gems she wrote about her conversations with the Canadian relatives, talking of the old days, before they emigrated, talking about the family they had left behind.

In the diary she recorded these snippets, and I began to wonder what these people (only described by their dates of birth and death) were really like.

I didn't see it at 'History' at first, I do now - a rich, antique tapestry of our family, lots of tiny stitches, lots of detail - you stand back and feel rather emotional!

Discovering tiny details, like how a couple met (in 1720), how someone got a promotion (in 1860) what they did for a living (how they were robbed - but the robber caught).

13 years - it's a long time to spend trying to find people, but I have! I have learnt the necessary detective skills to track people down amongst piles of dusty files...but that's where the dustiness ends - these notes are no longer names and dates, they are real people, real lives, happiness, success, tragedy and loss - and this is what History should be - fleshed out, made interesting. I now wonder if Miss Bainbridge had described Hitler or The Peasants Revolt in such terms I might have paid more attention....

So if your child thinks History is as dull as the proverbial ditch water - get them online, get them finding their own History....and you might be pleasantly surprised, and you are sure to be transported back in your mind's very own time machine.

Floral Friday

2008-06-06T10:57:00.004+01:00

BIG BANG!

2008-06-03T11:15:00.010+01:00

Our dining room looks over the beautiful valley which stretches out for miles in front of us, it's a fabulous view, we love the rolling fields and the trees, the animals and birds. Living here we quickly saw at first hand how cruel nature can be, but I didn't quite expect what happened this week!

We have a resident Sparrowhawk - he is rather handsome, and we have watched him a couple of times take garden birds 'out to lunch'... but this has always been from a distance.... until now!

The other day, after breakfast, the girls regaled me with an improbable tale about birds chasing each other into the dining room window, I have to admit it did sound like a bit of a shaggy dog story.
Later, while bimbling around in the Kitchen I heard -

BANG!

It was a noise equal to a bomb going off, and I have to admit it rattled me. I nervously ran into the dining room (from wence the noise had come) fully expecting to see windows blown out or some kind of terrible wreckage. My mind raced, rationally I knew there should be no frightening explanation for the noise, but the sound had been SO HUGE!

As I ran into the room, I spotted an exploding ball of white feathers in my line of sight just the other side of the glass. In slow motion the feathers fluttered to the ground below. With a huge sense of relief I thought -phew, just a bird flying into the window again, my shoulders untensed and relaxed!

Curiosity took me to the window where I saw this -

Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather!

There he was - staring back at me... with attitude! WOW - what a photo opportunity.... I ran off to find the camera... skidding across the parquet floor, losing balance and polishing the floor with my bottom!

I grabbed the camera and skidded back into the dining room....still there, I couldn't believe my luck...

...I turned on the camera, and up popped a little message 'change battery pack'....

....cursing loudly, I slipped back across the parquet and grabbed my phone...ran back to the window fully expecting the bird to have gone.

But no, there he sat, with an arrogant expression on his feathery face! Triumphant I held up the phone to take a picture, and with another expression (a 'naff off' one) he flew off with the pigeon in his talons!

Left as the only evidence of this explosion was a white imprint of the pigeon on the window - like a comedy outline from a cartoon....except the last laugh was from hawk!

Photo courtesy of google images.

High Tea

2008-05-29T09:27:00.003+01:00

As so many of you liked the idea of afternoon tea...and those of you with little boys, felt you wouldn't ever have this sort of birthday....here it is! Hope I haven't made you hungry!

My Girl

2008-05-28T00:29:00.003+01:00

Little No 2 had a birthday today....and I have to get my head round the idea that my baby isn't a baby anymore!

She's ten!

All parents think their offspring are beautiful... but this one really is!

When given the option of what treat to choose for her big day she chose -

Having a 'flicky' haircut.
Lunch
Shopping for a new dress.
Buying lip gloss
Taking afternoon tea and cakes at a lovely hotel.

So over the course of the day, my little one transformed - butterfly like into a elegant, older miss.

We watched while she got her first proper haircut (cringed when she told the hairdresser that I normally do this, at home, with the dog scissors), we laughed and enjoyed our lunch...then wandered through the shops in relaxed mood. We watched, amused while little miss was taken seriously while choosing her first lip gloss and trundled off for the most delicious tea, cake and mocktails, collaspsing after too much cake, happy and complete! Hugs, cuddles and 'thank you's' then home.

It was all very simple stuff - what made it lovely was that we were all together, she wanted us to be together - Daddy, Big Miss, Little Miss and me...

... I found it hard to believe ten years ago she was a tiny little scrap - time has flown so fast.

She can be challenging, high maintenance, but the love she gives us is so huge, so overwhelming.

That was a very special day, that day, ten years back....and she's made it special ever since.

For me, she will always be my baby, but baby, how she's grown!

Do you have good bladder control? Yes? Then read on -

2008-05-21T16:58:00.004+01:00

Joking aside - ha,ha! I felt we were all in need of a little humour - some of you gorgeous gals out there in Blog world have had exams, illness and worse.....what better than to have a healing giggle?

In order to blog about this subject, I had to first get over a huge stumbling block - I'm a girl - and girls can never remember jokes - seriously it's something I really struggle with, If I tell a joke, I either give away the punchline too early or worse forget the punchline altogether!

That said, I really love a good joke, whether it's stand up, rude, religious, dark, sexist or best of all (and hardest to remember) the shaggy dog story.

But here I can joke without the pressure - I can 'phone a friend' if I get stuck and give you an altogether better performance...I hope you enjoy the following mixture - some of you may be of a delicate nature, and be offended - I truly hope not.....what I'm hoping for is a few unrestrained belly laughs and lots of snortling!

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Tommy Cooper

What's a Hindu? Lays Eggs.

Going to war over religion is basically like killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Ronnie Barker

A vampire bat comes flapping into a cave covered in blood. All the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it "OK follow me" he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest. Finally he slows down, and all the other bats excitedly mill around him. "Now do you see that tree over there?" he asks "Yes, yes, yes" scream the bats "Good" says the first bat, "because I didn't!"

I went to a restaurant the other day called "Taste of the Raj". The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

Harry Hill

A middle aged man took his wife out to dinner to celebrate her 40th birthday. He asked her "So what would you like dear? A jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace?

She said, "Darling, I want a divorce"

He said, "Gosh, I wasn't thinking of spending that much".

A Chicken and Egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face, and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The Egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

I split up with my last girlfriend because she was terribly hypocritical. She used to say, "I love surprises,"....but when I slept with her sister...

Jimmy Carr

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette escape from Jail and hide in a barn. The police close in, so the three women each hide in a sack. The police search the barn and to check each sack, a police officer kicks them as he walks past. The officer kicks the redhead's sack and the redhead says "Meow!" The officer kicks the brunette's sack, and the brunette says "Woof, woof!" The officer kicks the blonde's sack, and the blonde shouts "Potatoes!"

Two lions are walking down the aisle of a supermarket. One turns to the other and says "Quiet in here today isn't it?"

A philosophy professor and a sociologist are holidaying at a nudist camp. The Philosopher turns to his colleague and asks "I assume you've read Marx?" "Yes," replies the sociologist, "I think it's these wicker chairs".

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play russian roulette, by force feeding me a packet of Revels.

Milton Jones

Men are like carpet tiles. Lay them right and you can walk all over them for the next thirty years.

I'm a fairly modern man - I've got no problems buying tampons. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'.

Jimmy Carr

Feeling better now? Good!!

The above jokes are from "The Naked Jape" by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves

ISBN: 9780141025155 Published by Penguin books. I highly recommend it!

Stocked at all good bookshops - Mr B's included!

Artistic License

2008-05-19T21:01:00.018+01:00

The other night we watched a re-run of Sex in the City - you know the one where Charlotte has her 'bits' painted - in large scale, and only slightly abstracted.

(BTW I'm only using the phrase 'bits' to avoid grubby mac wearing, anonymous, googler, commenters)

The Husband and I hooted with laughter, firstly because SITC is very amusing, but mainly because his Cousin A actually paints 'bits' - professionally - ooh I should clarify -

she paints pictures of bits....very large paintings...which aren't immediately obviously 'bits' - in fact we've always wondered if it were possible for some slightly shortsighted old lady to purchase one of A's paintings without realising the content....get it home.....stand back to admire the view.....and then say

"Oh MY!!!!"

It would be very funny!

That was as far as that little thought process went - until today when the glorious Mrs G wrote a very interesting piece about nudity and art, which prompted us to question "What is acceptable?" Her example being the apparently now frowned on "Slutbucks" logo.

This made me think of all the prints and paintings we have of nude women....oh and the odd man....In A's early days she painted a sketch, now hanging on our wall - it's fondly titled 'Rob the nob'!

Cousin A comes from a seriously artistic branch of the family - her mother painted this-

Having started our family nudes collection, we started buying other peoples - I'm particularly fond of this one by Trevor Price -

Examining these, I'm left wondering if I feel differently about traditional painters like Botticelli or Gauguin, they painted beautifully, tastefully....

...although the exception to this rule would be 'Dejeuner sur l'herbe which is in my opinion an expensive version of a 'top shelf' mens magazine (is that because the men aren't naked?)

I suppose that at the bottom (excuse the pun) of the question of 'tastefulness' is how you see any form of nudity - do you object to seeing babies with bare bots or are the rows of slowly roasting bare breasted women on foreign beaches objectionable?

When I started questioning my own parameters, I came to the conclusion that we see nudity as funny - because, let's face it our wobbly bits are ridiculous - there's nothing elegant about men's dangly bits or their hairy bottoms...

...as for us, apres childbirth, I'm not convinced any one of us would request being admired sans clothes even if it was sur l'herbe!

Airbrushed size zeros may look more 'tidy' - but they have no shape - so would simply be dull...which brings us straight back again to funny.

I think bare is funny! Which probably explains why our little collection of nudes are just that!

But is that how the rest of Britain thinks?

Recently English Burlesque has had a resurgence - this is an art form I love, and isn't funny - it's ironic, but very beautiful.

But do I think that - because they don't actually get entirely naked?

Seeing an hourglass figure, dressed in beautifully constructed corsetry, surrounded by ostrich feathers - does send me into a jealous spin - what I wouldn't give for a pair of white Sally Rand style fans!

Shape courtesy of Velda Lauder.

For me Burlesque is dance and art and body combined - the more covered the better - it's far more subtle, more clever than nudity.

In fact Burlesque Queen Immodesty Blaise is rather famous for her reverse strip - she actually puts her clothes on!

What does that say about the British psyche?

Although I have to say this reaction amused me a great deal (If you nip over to You Tube to take a peek at this clip - check out the female judge's badly concealed micro expressions....oh, and her badly concealed nipples!) Girls - you're going to have a field day with this clip!

Camp weekend.

2008-05-19T08:49:00.008+01:00

We've had another lovely weekend.

Friday night we pretended to be 'away'......and camped in the garden - the children loved it, but the husband who previously has been a big advocate of the great outdoors, has obviously gone soft in his old age! He whined all night that camping was really uncomfortable ...ha,ha,ha,ha, - that's just what I'd been telling him, all those years that we actually did go on camping holidays!

For me - I enjoyed the change, sleeping under the stars, all that fresh air and noises of nature....the birds, the trees, the sheep...OK, so it wasn't all that peaceful - but it was fun!

Saturday, the children clamoured for another night under the stars - but we had friends to stay...so this involved major military style manoeuvers to erect larger tent (when I say larger - for this read big - very BIG). Then of course, the children wanted to fill it with furniture - including the kitchen sink.

We left them to it while friends arrived and left (they left some of their children behind - it's OK they're not forgetful, just on their way to wedding!)

We spent a relaxed afternoon, my Gorgeous Godson being an absolute angel child - at 18 mths old - and no hint of a temper tantrum....

...mind you this could have been a result of having his favourite toy to play with - my vacuum cleaner, sadly he doesn't like it turned on, shame, I could have ended up with a seriously clean house!

Some of the older children squabbled... but I ignored this, working on Suburban Correspondent's theory of childcare - that you don't intervene unless blood is shed! It worked!

GG slept...like a baby and woke ready to play with a huge smile - why weren't my babies so easy?

We had a campfire supper, and fell asleep early - including the children - easiest sleepover - ever!!!

Maybe it was the fresh air?

Sunday, GG awoken by No 2 and friend - not too bad - it's 6.30am and GG has been asleep for 11 hours - WOW - why did neither of mine do that?

Happy GG sits eating boiled egg and soldiers, then continues playing with the "oover".

Husband and I prep lunch for 10 and tea for another 5 - we never seem to do things by halves!

In the midst of this organised chaos I get a phone call from the Chair of the Village Committee - can he come round now to discuss my ideas for a village show?

Well, dear readers, I have been trying of late to learn when to say "no", but I find it very hard - and often I say "yes" - I have ended up doing things I didn't want to, or feeling put upon, but this year I had resolved to myself that I would try harder in this department and avoid the feelings of frustration which happen when I say "Yes" but really mean "No".

So, I opened my mouth....I willed the word "No" to come out, I almost managed it, but instead a hysterical cackle emerged... thankfully the chap in question must have realised he caught me at a busy time, and he enquired to this effect....

I gave him the low down on our Sunday plans....and you won't believe how quickly he went off the idea of visiting me on a day when we had 15 guests - 9 of them children......and you would be so proud, I managed to follow through with "......No, today isn't a good moment."

We had a lovely day - relaxed lunch with very, very dear friends, then had tea with inspirational ones... we watched the children's psuedo 'gangster rap' video, starring GG as '25 Cent' (well, he is only little) - this was a complete hoot...

...and I have learnt to say "No" - all in all, an excellent weekend!

Costume drama.

2008-05-15T22:43:00.011+01:00

This evening I read Motherscribes blog - she had written a very funny piece about swimwear - it made me think that buying swimming costumes is one of the most punishing pastimes EVER!

When you are pear shaped, long bodied and short legged with a chest that could best be described as insubstantial, it's quite difficult to find certain things - full length coat buying has been known to leave me drear, purchasing jeans is worse than a case of nits (seriously Mrs G it really is). Evening wear is worse than water torture, but topping the chart of most unpleasant shopping experiences is swimwear.

There is something truly horrible about seeing your semi naked bod in a scarily lit changing room (torture chamber) - I really prefer to see me looking back at me from the mirror wearing something 'A' line and subtle... the dreaded cossie is never this - it is you at your most exposed...your most vulnerable.

Added to this trauma of over exposure, I have an additional problem - every time I try to buy a new swimming cossie, I want a one piece costume - you know the sort of thing - tastefully covering one's rear (for this read cellulite), and one's tummy (for this read flab and stretch marks) in a dark colour (for thinning purposes, obviously).....it really doesn't appear to be a very demanding request - it's only a cossie after all.

Well, forget it - it's an impossible task - believe me I've tried every brand possible and they are all the same - I am Amazonian in the body department - sadly the legs don't match (such a shame, that they are the legs of a gnome), the result is little old me in the aforementioned nasty changing room with the overly blue lighting: bent double by the rather beautiful designer cossie - well it looked 'fabulous darling' on the hanger - and great when the size zero sales assistant held it up against her.

On me it's just tragic...the stomach wrecked by 2 children bulges in a very unattractive fashion, the shoulders are hunched as a result of a dangerous shortage of fabric. Where a voluptuous chest should heave, is empty ruched triangles. None of this vision is improved by the white unshaven legs (so embarrassing when size zero puts her head round the changing room door to tell me they don't actually make anything bigger than I've tried on. Oh, God, please tell me she didn't clock my lack of Brazilian, or the fact that I walked in wearing jeans and boots (which had socks underneath).....and I have seriously attractive welts round my ankles where the socks cut in).

Actually I have to admit that blonde 'Miss Size Zero' last time was kind....she did find me something - eventually - a very beautiful two piece - with a padded top, which does actually give the illusion of something....and a bottom half - large enough to cover at least some of the parts I'd rather not expose.....but the top and bottom are 4 sizes apart!!!!!

Did I feel wonderful, sexy, confident - hah! what do you think? Girls I will confess, I went and bought a long, black cover up......so much kinder to the rest of the beach and the friends we holidayed with than viewing my wobbly bits!

My other option back at the villa was the Kikoy - to those of you who haven't come across these wonderful things - get one - they aren't expensive, and you get an instant tummy tuck when wrapped tightly round your midriff!

This year I have failed again to buy the desired one piece - but it's ok I have worked out a cunning plan.....I'm not going abroad - which this 'broad' will inform everyone is for 'green' reasons - you know - flying = bad carbon footprint - but my dear friends - only you will know the real reason....Greenpeace or whoever really haven't got the time or resources to rescue a rare beached white whale!

Books

2008-05-15T18:21:00.002+01:00

If you would like to join us in choosing our next read pop over to see us at the virtual bookclub.

Celebrating this week ( and they really deserve it) are Nic, Juliette, Caroline and Harvey and Vlashka at Mr B's bookshop -

They are officially The UK's Independent Bookshop of the Year!

Congratulations to you all, and a huge Thank You for giving us so much booky pleasure.

Slow and happy!

2008-05-12T09:52:00.009+01:00

weekend

slow

sunshine

flowers

salad

love

sunshine

slow

green

grass

lay

sunshine

ant

climbing

blade

grass

sunshine

pimms

laughter

tennis

sunshine

slow

neighbours

eat

together

moonlight

slow

relaxed

sleep

happy

slow

Tusks

2008-04-30T17:29:00.006+01:00

I've blogged before about No 2's rotten teeth - a result of having chicken pox at 6 weeks old.
We've waited quite a long time for the perfect (in terms of the other teeth) time for them to be removed - and yesterday was the big day!

They were to be removed under general anesthetic (which really made me feel anxious).
After the worry over the anesthetic I was suprised when the anesthetist did it so quickly than neither No 2 or I saw it coming, and such was the shock from the speed, that I didn't have a chance to get emotional!

My dear friend 'Gordon' was there to 'hold my hand' - she was brilliant, talking at me and stopping me from watching the clock!

The husband arrived (by the skin on his teeth - haha) just before No 2 came round.

The waking up was by far the worst part, she looked so distressed, blood pouring out of her mouth - really ghastly.

There is something about seeing your child so shaky and upset, that makes your stomach turn over.

The only humour was found when we opened the little envelope which contained her tusks - don't look at these if you get queasy!

The shock of seeing these monsters caused us to burst out laughing at the absurdity of something so massive coming out of her tiny gums. Nervous laughter?

I thought you might like to show the following images to your children what can go wrong in the tooth dept - it might shock them into being fastidious!!

Here's a really horrid close up of a cavity!

I hope I haven't put you off your suppers!

No 2 and I have spent today on the sofa in a nest of duvets and pillows, watching movies and eating ice -cream.

She's been sick (apparently a result of swallowing blood - yuk - too gruesome) but looks a bit brighter this afternoon....no school tomorrow I think. Dr Mummy prescribes more love, more ice - cream, more movies!

L.O.A - update

2008-04-29T22:44:00.003+01:00

MMMM, I have just discovered that my perfect laundry system has a flaw!

Laundry Obsessives Anonymous

2008-04-28T12:25:00.011+01:00

Mrs G (top gal) and Jenn (admirably orderly) have recently discussed

the stress that is laundry.

I feel forced to pitch in with my two penny's worth of thought on this matter, as prior to the instigation of the new DC laundry regime....the laundry reduced me to tears!

My husband and children have a different outlook on laundry to me (I think, as a result of never actually doing the laundry themselves), they have a predaliction for creating more laundry than is truly necessary - No 2 especially, sees it as her one gal mission in life to create Mount Laundry - this is because, in the past she has viewed it as a means to 'tidying up her room'. Groan!

As a result of stupid amounts of my time being wasted washing things which are actually clean, and then putting them away, I devised a new hard line 'Basket' system - mainly to prevent me being a basket case!

This is how it works-

Each person has a basket, into which their clean clothes are deposited.
Each person is responsible for 'putting away' (this totally avoids "Mummy, where's my....")
Any clean laundry sneaked into the wash to avoid 'putting away' is immediately put back in the offenders basket.
Lined up, the baskets give a very visible message about who is creating the most mess.
Bad offenders get bigger baskets, and therefore have more 'putting away'.

Initially the laundry load was roughly the size of Mount Etna, but it's amazing how quickly the contents are shrinking - having to deal with their outfall definitely focuses their minds!

I put away any linen - tidily so I can find things quickly -

I am aided and abetted in my regime by my friend the Aga (these pics are for Jen).

Having an Aga isn't very 'green' if you just look at it as a cooker, but they really are more than that...

....so after making some morning Aga toast...

I neatly fold the wet laundry on the top and front....

as a result I don't need a dryer...and most things get 'ironed' by the heat from the Aga - HURRAH! no ironing!

I use ecologically friendly washing powder -

which basically means that the laundry never comes out startlingly white - shame!

Just in case you were beginning to imagine that Domestically Challenged is actually Domestic Goddess, don't be fooled - this is the only area of our household which has any order....photos of the rest of the building site which is our house would have you running scared!

Cheeky Georgian Boyfriends

2008-04-25T22:05:00.014+01:00

We all know how fond Mrs G is of her secret boyfriends, and her passion for my neighbour Johnny D - we can't blame her, he is rather beautiful after all!
Like Mr G, my Husband is quite safe...mainly as a consequence of my secret boyfriends being 250 years old - as I go weak at the knees at Mr Darcy and Mr Darcy...

Mr Darcy the first

Brrrrrrrrr (little shiver of delight)

Colin Firth of course! He of the wet shirt

....very delectable, and he still makes me go weak at the knees....but hold onto your bodices ladies, there is also 'Mr Darcy the second'.....

Rupert Penry Jones - "oh Rupert you are too gorgeous".....quite scrummy, and definitely on my boudoir access list!

What do you think ladies? Do you approve? If you're not sure take a peek at this-

OOOOH, can't we just imagine him appearing out of a lake in sheer, wet, linen.....

(knees wobbling)
I can't believe you're still not convinced?

.....Oh good grief, still not falling for him? Try this for size!

Auntie M, have I perchance, perked you up this evening?

With sincere thanks to Google Images for the photos - no really THANK YOU Google, ......especially for the last one!

Moles

2008-04-24T14:25:00.002+01:00

Last night, as we drove home, we saw our lovely neighbour, normally the most cheerful person, he was looking uncharacteristically sad.

We were too when we discovered the reason for his unhappy face - his very beautiful (inside & outside) blonde wife has been diagnosed with skin cancer!

BB (beautiful blonde) is younger than me, fit as a fiddle and has two tiny children.

Seeing them with worry etched on their faces had my stomach in knots - how is it such a lovely, sweet couple get this **** thrown at them? It seems so horribly unfair.

I believe in karma - but honestly they are too nice to have put out any bad - so how is it that things happen this way?

They are being very positive and apparently the cancer isn't as bad as it could have been, but it is aggressive, she has to have more skin snipped away just to make sure they got everything the first time....but positivity aside I can see their worry.

As BB is very fair - she thankfully was 'mole aware'.....as a moley person, now I will be paranoid - please check your moles everyone.

And please, whatever your faith....could you will BB to be clear and safe.

xxHenxx

And the winner is......

2008-04-23T19:05:00.007+01:00

My challenge to circulate Claudia Roden's "Taste of Italy" round the world - giving recipe joy begins with the winner of my Trulli question...

....but four lovely bloggers gave the right answer - Puglia - or as the Italians would call it Apulia!

The most fabulously unspolit area of Italy, with the best food, and fantastic chefs!

Kit, Juggling Jen, Smalltown Mom and Scrappy Sue all got it right....but how to choose who goes first? Tricky, but I took an idea from the Mom Bomb - we have no Joey the cat here, but we do have Ambrose....

"Ambrose, would you mind helping me to pick a winner?"

"Meow, get lost, I'm far too superior to help you, meow!"

"Chikkies, will you help me?"

"OOOH no, we're busy climbing ladders and standing in food bowls - very important chicken work don't you know!"

"Who is going to help me? The children are at school.....and I can't do the choosing...."

"I know, I'll get the hairy hound to decide." "I know something she simply won't be able to resist.....

......tennis balls (the hound has OCD with tennis balls)."

Hairy hound adores fresh tennis balls, but due to a very small (but loud) mouth can only pick up one at a time.

And Hairy Hound chose Juggling Jen's ball as the most delicious! Congratulations Jen!

Thrilled with the prospect of chewing a new fluffy tennis ball, she retreated to her favourite spot...

Hiding underneath the summerhouse means you can chew tennis balls in peace!

Jen if you email me your address I will post 'Claudia' off to you pronto - and I'm really looking forward to hearing how the big Italian cook up goes!

Ciao Bellas

xxxx Hen xxxx

Get this Mrs G!!!

2008-04-18T18:35:00.003+01:00

Having LOVED the Engineering cats.....this made me giggle -

These are directions given by an engineer (male, obviously) - bless!

DIRECTIONS TO THE FRAMING YARD

Coming from Exeter down M5

Take A38 from Exeter towards Plymouth

Take Exit for Totnes (after Ashburton turn off)

Set mileometer to ‘0’ at top of slip road, then read the numbers, don’t add them!

After 4.4 miles: turn left at roundabout towards Totnes (drive for 1.2m)

At 5.5miles: turn right at traffic lights towards Kingsbridge (drive for .95m)

At 6.55 miles: turn left towards Tuckenhay (drive for 1.75m)

At 8.3m: turn right towards Tuckenhay.

Follow signs to Cornworthy/Dittisham then after 2.35 miles

At 10.65 miles: turn right towards Dittisham, at ruined stone arch behind hedge in field

Continue on this road towards East Cornworthy/Dittisham

At 11.6 miles: Framing Yard on right.

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - you have arrived at your destination! What do you think Mrs G?

PS: The Husband loved the cats - guess what his profession is - hah!

PS: PLEASE CARRY ON ADDING YOUR ANSWERS TO THE BOSSY POST BELOW!!!!

I can be Bossy too!

2008-04-17T20:44:00.009+01:00

Bossy too? - most people who know me would tell you I invented the word.......
I can't defend my bossyness - What can I say? I am a control freak - Phew, never been to AA, but maybe just admitting it is terribly good for one?

Anyhow - my little grey cells were thinking what to blog next....and inspired by The Mom Bomb's lovely pussy (that made your ears prick up) awarding me a lovely prezzie, and by Mrs G sharing her fun time with Bossy...the grey cells formulated a plan!

I haven't got time for a road trip....but how is this for an idea?

We have a little competition to find an initial winner of my favourite recipe book....

The Question is: Which area of Italy is filled with Trulli and Olive groves?

I'll send the book to the winner, who then cooks ones of the recipes, blogs about it, and sends it on to another foodie blogger, who repeats this amusement....and so on, and so on, it goes on - with the idea being that the book eventually wends it way back across the pond, complete with lots of comments within written by all you glorious gals out there in Blogland -

I selfishly end up with something really very special, and we all might learn some delicious new recipes on the way.

We could then repeat again, with someone else starting and ending the process.

I could just be being really Bossy.....but I'm hoping instead you'll think this is fun! :-)

What do you think?

Busy Bee

2008-04-13T14:57:00.005+01:00

Wow, it's been a really busy week - unusually for me I've been doing 'proper' work, all of which required lots of concentrating - lots of meetings and describing - I'm pooped!

I'm jolly glad I'm not normally that busy - I've had no time to blog, no time to read...but, Hurrah - it's done and normal service can be resumed!

Added to the mix last week, I broke my Kitchen Aid mixer - and let's face it you do have to be doing something pretty stupid to manage that! I wandered off, mid dough making...the dough jammed the hook, and I wrecked the gears - which reduced me to tears!
Anyhow, the reason for telling you about this, is that Kitchen Aid were absolutely sporting - I rang and confessed my mistake - the next day UPS picked it up, a week later they delivered it back....fixed - AND FOR FREE! I'm impressed and very grateful!

I wanted to share this photo with you -

Amongst the frantic concentration last week, we sneaked off briefly for a stiff drink at the pub in Castle Combe - it looked weird - the same as it usually does, but different...it always looks old and quaint.....but not quite like this!
Security men guarded the roads in, huge lighting trucks had parked in the normally beautifully manicured lawns of the larger houses and lots of houses had been turned into "shops", and all traces of modern day living had been scrubbed out!
The mysterious cause was that yet again the village was being used as a film set - this time "Wolf Man" with Anthony Hopkins.
So, there we sat, outside the pub (except that now it's a greengrocers) amongst all the film crew and their preparations. Sipping or drinks, perched on the last remnant of the 20th century - a picnic bench (only half an hour to go before the film set remove said bench and shut the village!)
Snowflakes began to fall, to complete the chocolate box scene.....a lady on the next table piped up "OOOH, look they've even made it snow..."
The crew looked unerved.....for twas not man made snow.....it was the real deal....and the "Wolf Man" wasn't planned to be set in a snowscene!!!
The village remained closed for the next couple of days, lit up at night for night filming - so bright that we could see the glow! Then the circus packed up shop, and moved on to Lacock...who spend every other week playing host to film crews - it must be weird living somewhere which constantly gets turned back 200 years!

Happy Birthday Jo

2008-04-04T18:44:00.014+01:00

Dear

Have a really wonderful birthday, full of love, pressies and special times,

love

Hen

Clare Grant's 3BT

2008-04-02T00:11:00.013+01:00

Last night I finished John Naish's book "Enough"- WOW - that book has really crystalised lots of things I was already thinking about...and has made me think about lots more besides.
I felt very unsettled, and should have been asleep, but my brain was whirring !

In the final section of his book he applauds Clare Grant's blog - her blog is a tool to allow her appreciate all the positive things which happen during a day - the small 'unimportant' things....which put together make us feel grateful, which make us feel happier, which make us feel 'grounded'.

It works - I had a bit of a **** day yesterday - but this changed when I got out of bed at midnight (unable to sleep after finishing the book), I sat on the stairs in the dark, opened my laptop and found "Three Beautiful Things"....it made me think what were that days 3 positives....and there were three - easily!

And My 3BT today..

Korat cats love each other very much -

Blackberry and Custard learn to fly - Custard makes it onto Marjorie's back!

Doogs finished our new kitchen table....the surface is just as beautiful as I hoped, when we found the hunk of Elm tree, blackened and almost forgotten...now with a lot of love from him it's something we will appreciate every day.

So I'm laying down a challenge to all you gorgeous bloggers out there - I know that you are a pretty positive bunch (even in the face of adversity). So, come on - I want to see or hear about your three beautiful things....

Hen x

UPDATE!

For those appreciative bloggers who liked the table...these are for you!

This is 'before'

And after the Doogs has been busy!

Dougal Black Furniture

Bananagrams

2008-04-01T16:35:00.004+01:00

After a few late nights we are all a little tired, so we took it easy this afternoon, the girls and I played Bananagrams - it's like Scrabble without boundaries!

Each player takes 21 tiles, then using your own tiles you make interlocking words - your partners do the same with their own tiles, the first player to use up her tiles (without cheating) shouts "BANANAGRAMS" and wins!

It's a great game - which was given to us by my friend Gordon.

Obviously you try to use up the letters with a few longish words, that make you look half intelligent, or if you're like me you hope for a dream selection from which you could spell lots of related words - very satisfying!

A dream selection could be

Although, more often they look like this -

The children use it to get my attention....

Has anyone else got a good Bananagram?

Going Slow for England.

2008-03-27T19:31:00.012Z

Last night my Husband and I abandoned the children to a new babysitter and escaped into Bath for our version of a night on the tiles.
No, silly! ....as if we're going to go night clubbing at our age! No Darlings, we attended Mr B's for "An evening with Alastair Sawday"!
As literary soirees go, this was great fun - part sobering environmental message mixed with great chunks of his humour which is sharp and witty.

His new tome "Go Slow England" is a 'select' selection of his 'special places to stay' - to earn a place in "Slow" the owners of these establishments have to exhibit genuine slowness and passion - for this read local, organic, green, homemade or quirky.

I'm relieved to say he was preaching to the converted, we became snails a good long while ago, and continue to slow annually, but I was genuinely surprised how few other people there were snails - one woman fessed up to having to get up at 5am to read her emails, another said that on her first night of 'passion' with her new other half he woke at 3am to discover- no girlfriend and a cold bed.... she too was checking emails! Wow that's one hot romance!

While researching for the book Alastair apparently discovered that people who keep chickens or make bread have a general feeling of contentment and wellbeing - well, we'll vouch for that - our little daily cycle of feeding and collecting eggs is very basic and very rhythmic and the same can be said of pounding lumps of dough.

Blogging got a mention - he thought it a very 'fast' pastime - so you'll be pleased to hear that I corrected him - I told him that it was impossible to be fast, when the people you are blogging with are geographically so distant, that they inhabit a time zone six hours behind you! Time lapse blogging?

Well, the wine flowed, everyone was relaxed, and Alastair set us a little task - to talk to the guest next to us about being slow....easy peesy - I wish things were this simple all the time.... next to me was a charming Californian girl, who was 'fast' but planning an escape to 'slowness', the other was a rather competitive mother who demanded - "It's not possible be 'slow' if you have children." I almost choked on my Chardonnay! "Hah!" I responded "haven't you tried Idle parenting?" I went on to extol the virtues of being 'just good enoug'h (Jen you would have been so proud) and gave examples of how we deliberately ignore our small people (Suburban - it wasn't quite as good as your latest list). Instead of looking impressed she looked disdainful - obviously one of those mothers who frequent 'auditions' (hey! Minnasota Matron - "laptop mother" she wasn't).

Anyhow we left feeling rather jolly - it could have been the wine, but I think it was actually because we felt, despite the earth's fragile state, we are doing ok, we have got things in a pretty good perspective, we don't always get it right, and we don't always choose the greenest option. But we do consider things carefully and weigh up the choices and savour the results- and to me that is the essence of 'slow'.

Should you wish to discover if you are slow - answer the following questions!

1 Listen to the radio
2 Learn a poem
3 Don't buy anything new for a year
4 Check emails only twice a day
5 Plan you days around large communal meals
6 Buy a bike - and ride it.
7 Write a letter to your sister/best friend
8 Dance on your own
9 Have proper afternoon tea
10 Plant a tree
11 Buy organic / seasonal /local.

and this is my favourite ( I have to confess I've been doing this for years!)

12 Press the buttons on pedestrian crossings as you walk by, thus slowing down drivers in a hurry!

Or are you "fast"?

1 Hothouse your kids
2 Buy ready made meals
3 Shop at the mall
4 Change your decor before it goes out of fashion
5 Buy ready cut fruit in a plastic container
6 Buy kindling at the garage
7 Use a microwave
8 Hurl all your rubbish into one big black bin liner

....his list goes on, but if you've said yes to one of these......then you are a 'Fast woman'!!!!

Come on, let's all put up our feet, and get slow enough!

"Go Slow England" by Alastair Sawday
$45.00 / £19.99
Alastair Sawday Publishing
ISBN: 978-1-906136-03-1

Read his blog

Read with -
‘Enough - breaking free from the world of more’ by John Naish and is published by Hodder & Stroughton
ISBN:978-0-340-93590-3

Easter Chicky Update

2008-03-23T13:22:00.003Z

Yesterday was tough going, after losing Chicky 2 the day before, we were disheartend to find the last 'good' egg pipped, but no further action.
After doing a crash internet course on helping chicks to hatch I set about slowly helping Chicky 3 to hatch - it took 8 hours to hatch and another 3 hours for it to recover some strength.

I have to thank my lucky stars that we have an Aga - because I'm certain without it Chicky would not have pulled through - it acted as Chicky special care baby unit!

I was afraid to look under Marjorie this morning....but joy...look!

It is still early days, but I feel a bit more hopeful today!

Birth Announcement.

2008-03-21T07:43:00.005Z

Chanteclere and Delilah

would like to announce the safe arrival
of
easter chicky 1
easter chicky 2

.....3 eggs still remain....

A huge thank you must go to

Marjorie

for being the surrogate 'mum'

We are all feeling very jolly this morning, and the children say that this is better than chocolate eggs!!!

Keep you updated....pictures of the babies to follow!

Slated.

2008-03-13T22:17:00.008Z

Over the next year I intend to bore you all rigid with tales of our building project...but I thought this would amuse-

Telephone conversation with local builders suppliers -

DC: "So, what types of roofing slate do you sell?"

Salesman: "Ermm, well, we stock loads of one kind, which you probably wouldn't want to use, but we can get other types..."

DC: "Why wouldn't I want to use them?"

Salesman: "Errrrmmm, well, they are turnips."

DC: "Turnips?" (Is this new term for something c***?)

Salesman: "No, really, you wouldn't want those, they haven't even got a guarantee, let me find out about the other types, and I'll call you back." (at least he seems honest - to a fault - no wonder they have loads of stock!)

DC: "Thanks." (Not holding out hope here)

FIVE MINUTES LATER

DC: "Hello?"

Salesman: I've found out that information you wanted - we do a really nice textured slate...made of concrete."

DC: "Concrete? I wanted Slate..."

Salesman: "Ohhhh, I see - would that be clay slates madam?"

DC: "No, SLATES made of SLATE!"

Salesman: "Ermmm, what, actual Slate?"

DC: (through gritted teeth) "Yes, SLATE!"

Salesman: "Ohh, I'm not sure about real ones...I call you back."

DC: (weakly) "Thanks."

DC: (sinks to floor clutching head and moaning) "I only wanted slates!"

Given that this conversation is hot on the heels (not Prada, Darling) of the fake Chinese eggs, DC is feeling a little weary that everything in our world is fake.....good job you lovely bloggers keep it real!

And the award for Green awareness goes to....

2008-03-13T21:55:00.007Z

....The Green Girl in Wisconsin

Well done Melissa for reminding us of the things we all should do...but don't always quite remember.

Ivory Poachers

2008-03-10T13:23:00.011Z

Only last week Suburban Correspondent
was discussing the subject of Dentistry - it caused lots of comments - all in the same vein (or should that be molar), so when I took number 2 to the Dentist on Friday I TRIED to have a positive outlook and not pass on my fear of the Dentist.

The Dentist is after ivory.... four to be precise - great big horrible adult molars which have crumbled- irritatingly not as a result of bad brushing or too many sweets... but due her contracting Chicken Pox when she was a baby.

Chicken pox in the very young 0-6 mths can cause hyperplastic enamel (lay man's description: non-existent enamel formation) - and just as nobody describes the joys of the teenage years when you are pregnant, no-one had ever told me that this could happen.
Apparently it is terribly common - just not to those mothers who have their deliberate chicken pox parties!

Anyhow, here we are yet again at the dentist, waiting for the verdict on the condemned lumps of ivory, I'm quaking in my boots (still having too much remembrance of braces past) Number 2 however, is cool as the proverbial cucumber, and insists on studying her x-rays.

The Dentist in slightly sneering tone asked her if she knew "what this was?"...he was pointing at a molar forming in her gum.
As only my child can, she sighed deeply (giving the impression that he really had failed to tax her) and replied

"That's my sevens." there was a pause while the dentist looked a little rattled...he had obviously underestimated her...

"So what is this"..he quickly pointed at another tooth

"Well, that's a 4, of course" No 2 rolled her eyeballs at me - giving me the 'can you believe this chap's a dentist?' look.

He should have guessed it was time to quit...but no, "So what books do you read?"

Another deep sigh, followed by "Well at the moment I've read all my books, so I'm reading Jeremy Clarkson, it's really amusing, but the next book I want to read is Northanger Abbey". (this is the bookworm whom we found at midnight, reading the bible under the duvet because she wanted a "longer" read.)

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" (Fool, my nine year old is already thinks she is aged 50 year old)

"Well, when I was six I wanted to be a part time Dentist, and last week I pulled out my sisters tooth, but now..." she gives him a look of pity "...now, I'm not sure."

"Part time?" he queried, "Why part time?"

This time he got the despairing look "Because Dentists earn SO much, I would only NEED to work part time."

Well dear readers, I have to tell you the Dentist sat with his mouth beautifully open.

And should we wish to know how it comes to pass that Dentists scare us, we need only look at the children who became Dentists...

LOVELY AWARD

2008-03-05T21:45:00.003Z

Since I started blogging at the end of last year, I have read soul searching blogs, self deprecating blogs, funny blogs, even funnier blogs, and lots of really touching blogs.
The Internet is capable of being an awful place, but it is also a very gentle place - I have read beautifully written pieces about battling illness, about caring for others, in fact the blogs that I read are more often than not like this.
I feel really privileged to 'meet' such open hearted people.
Some bloggers have really impressed me with their love and kindness - whether it's blogging about a specific problem, or just commenting - it is possible to see who is compassionate, who has a kind heart!

I've also seen other awards...but these are usually for writing something cool, funny or fabulous...I felt it was time for a kind heart award!

So here, created by my own fair hand (the ones with worrying signs of age spots) is the new award!

I award this to -

Mary Alice for always seeing the positive in everything and everybody.

Minnasota Matron for saintly services to education - her patience goes well beyond her duty.

Jo for being deep and calm.

Suburban Correspondent for Mothering SO many children...I feel weak at the idea of her responsibilities.

I hope you like this award...please pass it on to anyone else who has a beautiful soul.

Sure as Eggs is Eggs?

2008-03-04T21:25:00.021Z

Last night I watched Channel 4's "Fake Trade".
Correction, I watched, HORRIFIED as they exposed the extent to which the Chinese have cornered the market in faked products.

Forget the sad fake handbags and watches - now it's fake breast cancer drugs and Eggs - YES, I did just write Eggs...just how warped is the world when people actually fake such a basic item?

Read this!

and this!

How much does it cost to feed a chicken - practically nothing, so why, oh, why would it occur to anyone to even think of making a fake egg?
Apparently the fake eggs cause dementia....well obviously you don't get that from a real egg - so is that the fake egg's unique selling point?
Somehow I suspect not.

How did our planet get in this state?
I think the answer is greed of biblical proportions - and the Chinese can't be made to take the blame on their own - all too many Western companies have chosen to take production to China - to increase their profits and decrease their responsibilities...and I guess a bit of that blame passes on to us consumers....

Only today, whilst in a local bathroom showroom admiring some beautifully engineered German taps, I was told of a cheaper version of these desirable objects - dear readers I think you can guess where the cheap copies came from?

It's going to be tough, but I'm going ethical....I know it will be very difficult, but I am going to have a jolly good try.

Speaking of which, APOLOGIES to my lovely, 'potty' friend for my evangelical chicken lecture. She pointed out some tragic tiny £2.99 birds at her local farm shop, and thought they were free range - they jolly well weren't - but the deceitful picture of a pretty field on the wrapper had advised her otherwise. I collared the butcher and made him confess to her, that they were in fact badly brought up chickens, who had not frolicked around in a field with their mates.
Sorry, I was having a 'Hugh' moment!

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I post this in memory of Margot (2006 - 2008)
A chicken who knew how to lay an exceedingly good egg.

"Go play outside" or The Guide To Idle Parenting.

2008-02-29T16:34:00.009Z

Us Mummies beat ourselves up constantly, we live a life filled with maternal guilt, but Telegraph writer Tom Hodgkinson explores the merits of inactive parenting -

Learn how to Idle parent!

The basic premise is that children mature better, left to their own devices and left outside! All you need to do is build them a treehouse and give them sticks to play with!

I think I may subscribe - we've already got the treehouse!

But a word of warning - according to our local council, the sodding treehouse needs planning permission....We've told them that the children will apply for retropective permission!

ENOUGH

2008-02-26T09:50:00.010Z

He who knows he has enough is rich

Tao Te Ching (260 BC)

After enjoying reading this months virtual book group book - Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, I was left feeling that I wanted to give my thought processes a bit of a prod.

I did have, BC, (before children) proper thought processes - but they flew out with the placenta, and now the feeble remaining grey cells struggle on - flailing around inadequately.
So, after finishing EPL , and not having the time to follow Gilbert’s globetrotting footsteps, I skipped off to Mr B’s to find further enlightenment - Bath is closer than Bali!
I must confess here and now - I don’t ‘do’ self help books, so I was looking for something to challenge me...and of course, they had just the thing - John Naish’s book “Enough”.

I was looking for a prod - I got a kick up the backside!

His first page starts -

“If alien spacecraft were orbiting the blackened husk of Earth in centuries’ time, it’s pilots might be appalled to learn how the human inhabitants had been wired to get such kicks from producing and consuming more and more of everything, that they had ultimately burnt the whole planet out. ‘Daft buggars,’ our aliens would say, shaking their silvery heads. If those visitors had also learnt how we had only got grumpier, sicker and more exhausted as our pursuit of more reached it’s climax, they would scratch their scalps and ask: “What were they thinking?” One of the wiser ones might wonder, “How on Earth did they fail to evolve?.”

Ok - I can hear you - this doesn’t sound like a cheery read - well dear reader, you’d be wrong - Naish is in fact very positive, making practical suggestions about how we might rein in our constant desire for more.
Whether it be advertising, eating, technology, things, work - he doesn’t recommend abstinence - just to question how much we really need these things - and make some adjustments.

The most interesting thing about this book (and it isn’t a hand knitted, hair shirt affair) is it that it’s scientific - explaining and giving the evidence for his reasoning.

For instance did you know that all our problems are down to our wiring? Apparently it’s massively outdated, dangerous - it’s equivalent to an ancient Amstrad computer - it can’t cope with the demands of modern life!
It is somehow comforting to know that my fetish for ‘things’ is a result of dodgy wiring and chemical leaks in my brain!

So,
Will I be giving up my worldly possessions? No, that’s not recommended - but I will probably buy fewer 'things' in future and re-use and recycle more than we do already.

Will I be turning my back on technology? No, I love the blogs I read, and being sent emails showing photos of smiling loved ones in unknown lands, and having a mobile phone is jolly useful when the car brakes down. It just requires time management.

Will I be eating less, sleeping more and quizzing myself about future decisions - you bet, because what I really WANT is

Enough happiness!

...and that comes from having enough love, enough friendship and enough personal growth.

So, thanks Elizabeth Gilbert, and thank you Jo for choosing to challenge these dusty old grey cells into realising this - this is the start of a journey of my own!

‘Enough - breaking free from the world of more’ is written by John Naish and is published by Hodder & Stroughton
ISBN:978-0-340-93590-3

Eat Pray Love is written by Elizabeth Gilbert and is published by Bloomsbury
ISBN: 978-0-7475-8566-4

Winter wonderland walk.

2008-02-25T20:08:00.018Z

Last week was half term, the children went to stay with my in- laws... and we sneaked off to the Lakes to stay in a very inspirational house on the edge of beautiful Lake Windemere.

Before I went away I offered you a day out - a walk was the most popular choice...so, as we were away somewhere desperately pretty I thought we'd walk....
Hardknot and Wrynose pass are vertical, but very impressive....do you feel puffed out yet?

No? We'll continue...

The husband pauses to admire the view....stunning isn't it/he!?

It's very peaceful - and the natives are friendly!

Fabulous blue skies, but it is really cold!

Minus 7 last night!

But I still think it's VERY beautiful....back to the house for a drinkie!

Should you want to stay at Broadleys - Christine and Kingsley are super hosts -they can be contacted through - Broadleys
we loved our stay here - it's a very special place indeed.

Valentine Chocs

2008-02-15T10:25:00.002Z

These are for anyone out there, who didn't have a treat yesterday....enjoy!

Bummer

2008-02-14T13:25:00.006Z

I woke this morning to the arrival of my usual cup of tea - I can't function without this first cup of tea - and I love him to bits for bringing me my cup of salvation every morning.
I opened one eye and spotted a red envelope - ooooh! I opened the other eye and spotted a Jo Malone bag....oooh today was looking very positive indeed!

I gave the lovely husband his card and pressie from me, and with great expectation (because he ALWAYS writes such great things) I ripped open the card.
The children clocked my stunned expression and came and read the card....there was a deafening silence!

"Well" said No 2, with her hands on her hips "You are going to have to do something very special to get out of this" (she is 9)!

The reason for this silence - the normally poetic, erudite husband had written "Thank you for being my special friend".....
she's right...he's going to have to dig deep to get out of this one!

That will teach me for being smug about Valentines day!
What a bummer.

UPDATE!! The Husband said - "that's the last time I write a card at 6am"!

Store Cupboard Curry

2008-02-13T14:00:00.005Z

Lovely blogger http://lifeaiknowit.blogspot.com/... wrote of her supper angst...and mentioned that familiar feeling of 'not feeling' like cooking!

This is my stand by supper - it doesn't take long to make, the children are guaranteed to eat every scrap, there isn't too much washing up, but does give you plenty of time (whilst stirring, with one hand free) to have a little sippy or two of wine!

Here goes -
In a wide, low pan -
Chop up an onion into rings, fry in a mixture of oil and butter, fry VERY slowly ( drink here )
When caramalised add the following -
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cardamon
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
half tsp ground tumeric
half tsp ground cayenne pepper
Throw into pan cubed chicken pieces and brown (drink here)
Add water to half cover contents
Add sachet of creamed coconut
Add handful of sultanas
Add handful of sliced almonds
Add big handful of ground almonds
Put in baking oven or at 180 degrees, and leave while you have another sippy!
Cook rice
Take curry out of oven and stir in a cup of yoghurt.
Serve up supper with any remaining wine!!

Cin Cin!

Virtual traveller

2008-02-10T22:48:00.000Z

From one extreme to another, after religion and politics (how can I top them) I decided we needed something light!

Since Spring seems to have sprung ... I thought I'd take you lovely blogging girlies out for the day - virtually!

When we have guests to stay we suggest ideas of things to do or visit in or around Bath - so I'm going to give you the same options - and you can choose where to 'virtually go'!

1 The Roman Baths - Bath
2 Georgian Bath
3 Lacock Abbey and village - you would recognise this village from 100's of films!
4 Dyrham Park - beautiful 18th Century house and garden now National Trust
5 A country walk
6 Shopping in Tetbury (cotswold town & home to Prince Charles)
7 Stourhead - stunning 18th garden now owned by the National Trust

The place with the most votes gets chosen for our first trip!
Answers by Tuesday please....I will post the trip later in the week!
See you - virtually!

Religion and Politics - it's a bad mix.

2008-02-08T10:09:00.000Z

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams put the cat amongst the pigeons yesterday, when he was interviewed on radio 4:

Dr Williams said the UK had to "face up to the fact" some citizens did not relate to the British legal system.
He said adopting parts of Islamic Sharia law could help social cohesion. For example, Muslims could choose to have marital disputes or financial matters dealt with in a Sharia court.

Yes, Dr Williams - it will really help....help to cause even more friction and division than already exists.
It leaves me speechless, that a man of such alleged intelligence can come out with such a crass comment.
He really hasn’t thought this through -
Ok, what if a muslim man wants more than one wife - and this is ok under sharia law...he lives next door to a non muslim, who after seeing his neighbour take more than one wife, decides to follow suit. The non muslim will get prosecuted for bigamy...but the muslim next door won’t! I personally think It would be fair for the non muslim to question if this was racist?

It’s not about ‘relating’ to the British legal system...lots of us could decide there are laws we don’t like, or agree with - but they are LAW nevertheless. For fairness, law must be abided by all, for the good of a whole society.

This is Britain, we are culturally diverse, and proud of it, but ultimately British law rules, anyone living here, or deciding to live here simply has to accept that - in the same way we must accept and respect living under sharia law if we choose to live in the Middle East.
Trevor Phillips of the Equality and Human Rights Commission said “[The] implication that British courts should treat people differently based on their faith is divisive and dangerous.”

Williams went on to say "nobody in their right mind would want to see in this country the kind of inhumanity that's sometimes been associated with the practice of the law in some Islamic states; the extreme punishments, the attitudes to women as well".
Oh, for goodness sake, do you seriously expect to be able to draw a line?

Thank goodness, just for once, the politicians showed some sense -
Conservative Baroness Warsi said the archbishop's comments were "unhelpful".
She told BBC News 24: "Dr Williams seems to be suggesting that there should be two systems of law, running alongside each other, almost parallel, and for people to be offered the choice of opting into one or the other. That is unacceptable."

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said he had "an enormous amount of respect" for Dr Williams, but could not agree with him on this issue.
He said: "Equality before the law is part of the glue that binds our society together. We cannot have a situation where there is one law for one person and different laws for another.
"There is a huge difference between respecting people's right to follow their own beliefs and allowing them to excuse themselves from the rule of law."

Gordon Brown's spokesman said the prime minister "believes that British laws should be based on British values".

AMEN to that.

Bigger picture

2008-02-07T10:58:00.000Z

I thought I would do a little biog, and rather than writing masses, and boring you all senseless - here are all the things I love...in pictures!

Everything I know, I learnt from my cat...

I love the animals, but I do like the place to smell good - mmmm, burnt orange - yummy! (my fav smell is Agraria)

I love art - can't paint myself, but I adore abstract images...they make me dream!

You can tell alot about a girl from her shoes - not sure what this says about me?

I drink too much tea! (and too many cocktails) -

And I love reading, especially recipe books

Most of all I love my family - this is us!

I'd love to see you all too.....

Bathing Beauty?

2008-02-05T14:15:00.000Z

This time last year I would get up, and have a bath in this-

It was lovely, a santuary, a home spa.....then we moved....

and now this is our bathroom...

While I was cleaning it this morning, I thought back to my lovely bathroom, and said to myself "We must be bonkers!"

PEACH - UGH, for me it's the one colour guaranteed to make me twitch, no really, it actually does.
FLORAL MOTIFS - DOUBLE UGH....and we've improved this (unbeliveable, I know) by removing the matching (ugh) Peach shag pile carpet complete with pee,pee stains (blahhhhh).

I'd love to take the person who 'designed' this bathroom to task...I do appreciate in the big scheme of things a dodgy bathroom doesn't rank too highly compared to world debt, poverty, savage wars etc...
But honestly, I hate this room so much, it's a complete aberration and I can't wait to take a sledge hammer to it!

But before the builders move in and save me from a fate worse than a peach bathroom, I wonder if anyone out there can tell me if they have a room uglier than this?

Bet you can't!

Better than a Bafda!

2008-02-04T15:34:00.000Z

MAJOR EXCITEMENT THIS AFTERNOON!
I have been given this fulsome award by the lovely Green Girl in Wisconsin - and I have to say was rather thrilled. Apart from winning a fancy dress competition when I was 12, I've never won a thing!

Being a new Blogger, I believe the form is for me to pass on the honour to another jolly blogger....this could be tricky on two counts - Firstly, Green Girl has already mentioned all of those Bloggers I most admire, and secondly (V. embarassed about this) my techno skills are such that I struggle to make my links to other people actually work.
I have managed to get the links working at the side of the page - so please bear with me on this one -
I pass on this lovely award, and the warm and fuzzy feeling which comes free with it to all those in my list (eyes right ->)
Should you care to click in their direction you will be guarenteed a smile in your heart, a thought for the day and a series of very healthy laughs.
But there is one other person I would like to pass this on to, she hasn't got a blog (she is even more techno-phobe than me) but she is all of the above - so Lady B....this one goes to you too!

BIG AIR KiSSES TO ALL - HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A LOVVIE MOMENT!

PS. OH POOH! Just realised I didn't get this right either - no picture - help - I need the IT dept????....

OK, OK, I give up.....I can't send the award.....failed with the IT, But I CAN send you a Lovley big G & T!!!!

Blind date?

2008-02-04T12:37:00.000Z

Mrs G over at Derfwad Manor - http://derfwadmanor.blogspot.com
wrote a great blog yesterday - she set me thinking about blind dates I have known!

A great South African friend of mine would pick up strange (yes, I do mean strange) men off the tube - it was always amazing to me that she never came to any harm...going off into the night to spend the evening with a total stranger.
She would tell us "He has this amazing smile....." it left us hardened Londoners breathless, we admired her level of trust...but also feared it.

For me, I have only ever had three blind dates -

1 Arranged by aformentioned friend - enigmatic smiler, but did absolutely nothing for me, to be honest I wanted to leave the supper table after five minutes. All my friends will be shocked - I love my food, but not enough this time!!

2 Arranged by a colleague who fixed me up with her tall, blonde Scandnavian banker brother - all looked terrifc, the evening centered around a ball at a club in London - it all sounds fantastic doesn't it.....and to be honest it was....until we danced!
He could groove with the best of them, but this was the Eighties....a bad time fashionwise.
I had gone to a huge amount of effort with my frock (it can only be described as this) it was a short ball gown with purple velvet strapless bodice, and a shot taffeta purple and pink skirt, which had shocking pink net underskirt to make it stick out (blah!).
All was well until I really got into the groove (I can't remember the song - I have blocked it out for mental reasons!) but there we were twirling around...then I noticed his face had changed - did he think my dancing was uncool? Had my make up run? Sadly, NO....
...due to my lack of boobs, the frock had turned round! The front was at the back....and lo, the low back was revealing my concave chest......mmmmmm.
He looked mortified, rooted to the spot staring at where a generous bosom might have been, I was mortified too and had a cinderella moment... I legged it!
You won't be suprised to hear, 'Prince Charming' didn't come chasing after me!

3 The South African friend then arranged another blind date for herself, which had a spin off blind date for moi.......and the rest as they say is history, and almost two decades later here we are......I still love him with all my heart, he is my best friend, my soul mate (don't throw up)....he makes me feel so content and so lucky.

So it just goes to show...to find your prince you do have to 'kiss a few frogs'....some of which won't be quite what you hoped for....but you can also strike gold.

'Baby's First Tattoo'!

2008-01-31T18:39:00.000Z

Whilst in a lovely card shop this afternoon, I came across an hilarious modern take on a baby book - it made me laugh out loud in the shop (must stop this habit) and I had to buy it to give to my dearest friend and mother of my gorgeous godson.
It is far more realistic than the usual kind, which you fill the first few pages of, then forget about until the child hits 40.
Here are some selected highlights from the 'things to fill in' -

Business trip Baby's Dad was on while you gave birth ?
Good career Mum gave up ?
Saint's name who administered the epidural ?
Number of nappies that fit in a nappy wrapper ?
Restaurants we never go to anymore -
First time baby ate dirt ?
First time baby answered back ?
First time baby got headlice ?
Most trips to A&E in one day ?
Baby's first tantrum in a supermarket ?
Where parents left the trolley full of frozen food when they had to drag screaming baby from the supermarket?

So as you can see it's a lot more realistic!
It's a good job that when you give birth your brain comes out with the placenta...otherwise we would never do it again!

I'll leave you with two wise quotes -

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one - Leo Burke

Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children - Sam Lavenson

Happy days!

Baby's first Tattoo is by Jim Mullen and is published by bloomsbury

Virtual Book Group

2008-01-29T10:14:00.001Z

How do you like your coffee? Have a white chocolate and pistachio cookie...shall we sit down...

I have just finished a super read - 'The Shuttle' by Frances Hodgson Burnett, it was exactly what I like from a book - thoughtful and left me wanting more when it was finished.
The Shuttle is a story of American women marrying into the English Aristocracy at the turn of century. These elegant creatures were a key American export - and turned the diminishing fortunes around of many a grand English Estate.

But the book really left me feeling that the work these women did, has gone rather unappreciated. They married some truly ghastly men (ok, so they got a title, but I'm sure it wasn't worth it) they got to live in some rotting old stately homes and they were often loathed by the 'establishment'.
Against this backdrop they sunk their dollars into restoring England's architectural history, keeping these amazing buildings going, so that they still stand proud for future generations to experience.

Later on Sunday morning, I listened to a debate - the subject was 'what makes people feel British?'
It was interesting - the panel were a mixed bag, Scottish, Anglo Indian etc they all explained what they believed made people feel British - the reasons varied, but none of them had any resonance with me.

I would question - why do we NEED to think of ourselves as British? - is it just an old boy's club? Is it the remnants of the Empire? Or do some just feel too 'small' being England?
Switzerland is small, but looks pretty confident as does titchy Monaco!
Small is beautiful - and we should just celebrate that!

Actually, I don't feel British at all! I never describe myself as that - I'm English - I feel English, my ancestors were too. I could never imagine living anywhere else (I haven't lost a grip, I KNOW - it's cold and it's wet - and that's just the summer) But I can't help myself - I love it here!
If I was going to push a point, I don't think anyone is truly British - it's just an umbrella term which unites England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. I'm certain that most Scots would not think of themselves as British, and the Welsh and Irish the same. Indeed, ask a Cornishman what he is - and I can guess his answer!

Since we started on the subject - America is happy being itself, and doesn't feel the need to cling to South America - in fact this has to be the most confident of all nations. So confident, that it is happy to become another nationality - just think of those brave young women weaving their way over the ocean to become the custodian of some dusty old pile!

Who's choosing the next months book?

'The Shuttle' is published by Persephone Books - which are stocked at Mr B's Emporium - see link at side!

Don't panic.....It's going to be an Indian Summer.

2008-01-21T19:17:00.000Z

On Sunday at 6pm, we went to make our customary G&T.....ARGHHHHHHHH, panic - horror of all horrors, the cupboard was bare of tonic water! We had five different sorts of Gin...but none of the vital accompanying liquid!

I had to breathe very deeply, and try to clear my head to think of a solution...difficult!

It was Sunday, so no chance of going to the shop to stock up, and it felt dodgy admitting to our neighbours that we wanted a G&T badly enough to gatecrash their fridge and take theirs!

Then the thought of all the weird booze we had bought for Christmas came to mind....
Hmmm, no need to panic....I found a solution - so should you ever be in the same situation -

INDIAN SUMMER (serves 2)

10 raspberries (frozen works)
3 teaspoons of caster sugar
2 teaspoons of creme de rose
100ml Gin
120ml Cranberry juice
crushed ice

Mush it all up with some crushed ice, and serve .... YUMMY! Enjoy...and think of warmer days!

From Douglas Ankrah's fabulous book - "Cocktails"

I have come out of hibernation.

2008-01-18T12:38:00.000Z

This week I have emerged from hibernation - and if any of you reading this feel like you are still in the winter blues...try the following!

Take a walk round your garden - get inspired by natures effort to 'wake up'! Everything has an air of renewed energy.

Exercise - The other big influence on my feeling 'springy' has been tennis group starting back - thanks Richard!
Getting back into my exercise regime has made me feel much more energetic, albeit rather stiff.

Gee'd back into action by the tennis and even though the rain refuses to give up, I thought I would drag the smelly hound off for a walk. The beautiful valley below us looks very different this week, with the river swollen, it looks dangerously close to bursting it's banks. The water was running very fast, it looked powerful, menacing.

Just as I was enjoying this poetic scene, I noticed the hound wasn't moving- she was stuck up to her armpits in boggy turf, after a pull and a loud squelching noise, we set off home.
The fresh air and rain in my face had made me feel rather invigorated...

...the same can't be said for the hound, who looks as if she would like to go back into hibernation!

It's a dog's life.

2008-01-14T23:16:00.000Z

I know it's not good to give into 'pester power', but I did!
It all started when No 1 child begged for a Christmas gift for the Dog - (I don't even know if the dog 'has' religion) but it seemed a reasonable enough request...
...until it transpired that the gift in question was winter wardrobe for the hound!

She picked out a 'tasteful' country outfit in brown cord (puffa jacket with brass button detail) and a lightweight jumper to match (with mohair heart detail) - LOVELY!
Even better, the chosen outfit was to be ordered from York......NEW YORK!

So against all better judgement / sanity the aformentioned outfit was duly ordered and shipped Fed Ex...
....the shipping cost more than the outfit (grr, whinge, growl) and guess what?
Well, It may have come from New York's smartest dog boutique, but our hound thought it very "last season" - in order to not be spotted wearing the offending articles...
...SHE ATE THEM!!!!

Chicken Run

2008-01-08T18:11:00.000Z

I can't bear to watch Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall's new campaign to stop intensive chicken production - just viewing the trailer was upsetting enough.

Jamie had his campaign about school dinners, many intially mocked - but then came to realise that Jamie was jolly well right.
Hopefully most people will now see that Hugh is right too.

The photo here is of one our hens - all of which have grown naturally (slowly), and when you have raised chickens quite frankly you would never touch an intensively farmed bird again. Seeing hens up close, you realise quite how different they are from those revolting supermarket efforts.
...and we are all to blame, unless we vote with our wallets (shop local or shop more discerningly) the supermarkets will carry on putting these poor birds on their shelves. Let the farmers grow something they are proud of!

While I love being a carnivore, I would rather not eat 'cheap' meat - it comes at too high a price.

So, I'm asking you all if you have any interest in what you put in your mouth (and your childrens) that you take a peek at -

www.chickenout.tv/sign-up.html

After all, you are what you eat!

I Have Aged Overnight...

2008-01-05T10:49:00.000Z

Number 1 child has the Dr Kawashima’s brain training thingy - she insisted that we all take our turn to find out our brain age.....

.....DAY ONE - a brain age of 61, pretty galling as I’m under 40 (just). I couldn’t believe that the little grey cells had got quite so flabby.
I vow to improve, not just because I felt so utterly insulted, but my competitive side got the better of me, and I want to beat my intellectual husband, who usually out computes me in the clever stakes.

.....DAY TWO - what a thrill, I can’t remember what I had for dinner two nights ago, but somehow I have worked out how to play this irritating lump of plastic - and - Ta-Dah! I am now 48! Still ghastly, but ha,ha, - I have beaten the rest of the family by decades - Hurrah! I am invincible!

....DAY THREE - On waking, Number 1 child presents me with cup of tea and the game... apparently she she just done a personal best - I’m under pressure to compete, am half asleep, I am too dozy to refuse.

Oh good grief - I have speed aged overnight - I am now 50!!

There is a television makeover programme called ten years younger - what would they do? ? ? Erm, Surgery, new wardrobe, haircut....

Argh, Panic! Even cosmectic surgery won’t help here! Abandon hope!

Oh well, at least I have proved something....
....my brain doesn’t function before 11am - and I always knew THAT!

FOOD IS LOVE!

2008-01-04T18:16:00.000Z

Having had 20 pre Christmas guests, 8 for Christmas and 15 for new year, I could moan about being exhausted and all Christmased out, but I'm jolly well not complaining!

We had a really special Christmas, which has revolved around friends, family and FOOD!

.........A few 'Thank You's' are in order!

After watching Heston Blumenthal cook up his perfect Christmas, the Husband insisted on it snowing - inside the house! so, Thank you Husband, for being such an old romantic, and 'Thank you' Snow Business for coming up with the white stuff!

My favourite florist, Rachel at The Fresh Flower Company aided the look with a forest of giant silver candelabra and huge bowls of floating white roses with jewel encrusted centres - thanks Rachel, it looked gorgeous.

Thank you to Lady B for friendship and glittering truffles!

My bestest pal gave me a super cookery book to add to my collection (Ok, I do know that with 70 recipe books it's now an obsession!). This new tome, entitled "How to feed your friends with RELISH" is right up my galley!
It's author advises that -
serving poncy food doesn't make your friends love you more - hurrah! She advises - Food is love! And I agree!

So, for me, like Heston, this WAS a 'perfect' Christmas, it's not about the gifts, or cooking 'clever' food, it's all about the pleasure of spending time together, and sharing food! Thank you ALL!

All being well, the house is getting rebuilt this year, so this was our last bit of entertaining for a while.....all the more time to dream up something fun for when we finished! By which time I may have finally managed to clear up all that ****** snow!!

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2008.

PS.
Thank you Darling, for the 'cashmere tennis balls'!!! xx

Modem Manners.

2007-12-14T20:51:00.000Z

This week my children came home with another rain forest worth of paperwork from school - this time it was ICT codes of conduct to sign, so they learn to use the school intranet responsibly. It all seemed a bit nannyish, until a few days later when I read someone's blog, and it occurred to me that some grown ups ought to watch what they type.

To most of us writing a blog ought to be complete fact, or a total work of fiction - when you start muddying the waters of truth with too much artistic licence you’re on thin ice.
This is an even more risky game when you attempt to get cheap laughs at a friends expense.

So, as you can imagine, I was really disappointed to see that yet again, a blogging friend of a friend had done just that.

You know, life is funny enough, and if you actually possess a sense of humour, the irony of some situations is enough to make your sides ache, it doesn’t require any ‘tweaking’.

Cashmere Tennis Balls.

2007-12-04T21:42:00.000Z

My Husband thinks I want cashmere tennis balls for Christmas! The reason he believes this, is not because I have been princessy and requested such a bizarre item, but is actually a result of him NOT listening.

How is it that such clever men manage to fail so miserably at listening? Apparently he tells me that it isn't the listening itself that is a problem, I am reliably informed that the actual problem is me - speaking. He probably thinks I'm whining, and before analysing the content switches off!

A great friend of mine was recently given a most off target present - she asked for Chanel nail polish, and was given a radio - just how did that happen?....and she has a fabulous husband who is intelligent, kind etc., etc. ( I'm not listing any more of his many virtues - but if even he can get it wrong, there is no hope for the rest of them).

I cross examined my own dear Husband on this the other night - he says that husbands can't process girlie information - so Chanel rouge noir, although a simple and undemanding request, could not be processed, as it didn't include any of the following - Hedge trimmer, ride on mower or plasma screen telly.

Anyway, the Husband concluded firmly, make up counters are a male no fly zone - those make up girls are allegedly too frightening, especially when they napalm scent at unwary husbands who are a long way out of their comfort zone.

When I dared to suggest, that a slight improvement in listening would result in a huge increase in appreciation from the recipient, I was told this was quite impossible, men just ARE selectively deaf. He then informed me that if they enjoyed shopping, they would not be our husbands, as they would in fact be gay!

So is it true? Do gay men shop better than straight ones? Having worked in an industry which had few men, nearly all of whom were gay, I have to give this idea house room - they do have fabulous taste and do understand cut, colour etc. But the question remains - would even these perfect shoppers listen... I doubt it.

So, lets face it, if you don't want to end up with cashmere tennis balls, do what my friend and I did - and buy your own Christmas gift!

Happy Shopping!

Borstal.

2007-11-28T15:10:00.000Z

I went out this evening to support a friend - I left the children in the care of their father...

...I returned to a calm and quiet house (fairly unusual) to discover that they had watched ‘Dog Borstal’ before going to bed late (fabulous, getting them up for school in the morning will be fantastic fun).

I groaned on learning this - “what time did they go to bed?”

LATE, it transpired, but the Husband looked exceptionally smug, apparently he had used the 'Dog Borstal' techinques on his offspring to secure a quiet and controlled bedtime - fortunately he used sultanas in lieu of dog biscuits.

Don’t laugh - it jolly well worked.

Next time someone we know gives birth, I am going to send them a copy of ‘Its me or the Dog’!

Being Foxed.

2007-11-22T22:52:00.000Z

A few weeks ago I gave you the saga of the mice, which quite frankly was bad enough, now a bigger, hairier problem has emerged from the undergrowth...

A fox! Not a rustic fox, but a townie invader!

Lots of us townies have escaped to the country, but unlike us, this unwelcome visitor has evil intentions. Apparently 130 town foxs have been dumped here this year - which really begs the question WHY?

We are really lucky and have adorable neighbours, now minus their adorable chickens, and I fear Foxy has it’s eye on our hens for his next feast.

This fox is something else, it waits on our drive to jump out on the children, and saunters through the garden as if he pays the mortgage - even the dog is too frightened to go out! (Ok, so the dog isn’t what one could call substantial, but she’s game!). Today the cat came home with holes in her head - just the right size for fox fangs!

So in these days of political correctness, what do you do when when Mister Fox is dumped on your doorstep?

I don’t believe in hunting, so it may sound two faced to say that Foxy’s got to go ....

....but here we are, utterly bloodthirsty, we won’t be content until foxy is no more...

But how? Foxes aren’t labelled cunning for nothing - answers in brown envelopes please!

Hostess with the most...

2007-11-18T23:04:00.000Z

The Husband and I went to the most fabulous party last night, my dearest friend Lady B celebrated her 40th Birthday in great style.
The invitation came with the dress code "Vintage Glamour" and the guests had obviously all relished this opportunity to shun 'casual'.
Everyone looked quite fabulous, and certainly there were very glamorous Gals, many of these enchanting creatures wore corsets.
Some of these ladies were rather more endowed than others in the chest department, prompting one male guest to comment - "Mmmmm, I was trying to be vegetarian".

Another chap was so overwhelmed by the glamour of a female guest that he insisted on swapping outfits with her! I cannot pretend that this was the prettiest sight, and thankfully the sweet natured gal in question did manage to reclaim her gown.

The Champagne flowed, the music delighted and every guest clamoured for the Hostess to produce another party....next weekend!

All of which left me thinking, that whilst us mummies often feel that we fall far short of yummydom, it IS possible for us to look fabulous and stage manage the most perfect event for all those we love.

And to Lady B, we award you first class honours in Entertaining - "Darling, you were fabulous"!

Chainsaw Massacre.

2007-11-04T18:18:00.000Z

I accept that living in the country, I shouldn’t bat an eyelid at the squirrels, spiders and come to that the bats. In fact in the last 9 months, since we have move to ‘the sticks’ I have felt that I have shown great courage, not squeeling at the various beasties that have invaded my home.

I even managed to re-arrange my face to ‘relaxed’ setting when the Husband assasinated a king sized squirrel who was attempting to replace said Husband as Alpha male chez nous.
I do find it hard however, to not revert to my townie roots when there is a chainsaw massacre in my Kitchen.
Finding mouse poo in my cupboard wasn’t really what I envisaged in our new country bliss, still bliss to hiss, it can happen in the blink of my eye!

The husband had strategically positioned traps in the cupboard - new ones which actually work (the old metal variety had simply been providing the mice with a safe and regular supply of organic parmesan or home made sponge cake). The new traps were doing very well, and the Husband was doing an excellent job of removing the corpses....until last night.

I couldn’t sleep, and padded downstairs to huddle next to the Aga for a cup of tea, just at the moment that you take that fabulous first relaxing sip of comforting tea, I heard a loud clunck followed by ghastly scrabbling noises. With one eye shut, and the other only half open I had a squint inside. Ugh, worst expectation was realised - a tortured wee beastie - a mouse with it’s hind leg caught in the trap - After quickly thinking about various senarios I took the cowards way out and put the Cat in charge. I then shut the Kitchen door and escaped back to bed.

The Husband wondered what had occured during the night - blood splattered everywhere, and dismembered body parts. He even showed uncharacteristic thoughtfulness by placing the blood splattered Kitchen rug in the washing machine - it MUST have been bad.

I now can’t look the Cat in the face - but I am just as guilty as he....maybe mouse poo in your cornflakes isn’t such an issue after all?

Breaking into the Asylum.

2007-11-01T19:37:00.001Z

Autumn half term used to be a week, long enough to fill with fun things, short enough to ensure the sprogs don’t get fed up and make mincemeat out of each other.

Two weeks of not getting up early is all well and good, but realistically the 'rest' is very similar to carbon offsetting (it’s a bit of a red herring).

It reached a bit of a head yesterday when No 2 shut No1 in her bedroom, sadly the door jammed inside the frame and despite attempts of the Husband, No1 was firmly stuck in glorious seclusion.

After almost two weeks of constant squabbling with each other, I thought it might be a happy escape to be in splendid isolation. However the loud sobbing noises and rising panic from the other side of the door told us otherwise.

You know how people say they would rather be in an uncomfortable position than have their child suffer - what I would have given just at that moment to have been the one stuck on the wrong side of a couple of inches of nice solid oak!

Yummy Mummy

2007-10-28T20:06:00.000Z

Oh, where did I go wrong?
Whilst currying favour with No 2 child, buying cute inuit style slippers in the Everythings White Linen shop, she spotted “The Yummy Mummy’s Handbook” ... “you need this mummy” said my dear child.
When I asked if she really thought this was necessary, she nodded sagely!
I’ve baked, cuddled and ‘been there’...so where did it go pear shaped - maybe at exactly the point my bottom did?
A great friend has recently invested in Botox...maybe to be a REALLY yummy mummy I need this plus some lyposuction, face lift / transplant and a 4x4?

Because what ARE the yummy’s? They definitely aren’t proper Mummies - by definition they are too manicured, too perfect.
Real Mummies have scalded arms from reaching into the Aga to retrive carbonised remnants of the children’s baking attempts, dog hair on their clothes and always have the feeling that they’ve forgotten something important (like parents evening).
Having thought about it, I think I’ll stay a slummy, saggy mummy just being a Mummy is the best bit - as my trainee teenager would say - whatever!

Instead I think I’m going to create a new term - Uber Mummy - she is a proper Mummy, who has Kitchen with integral craft cupboard! And that is where I failed!