Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Do you have good bladder control? Yes? Then read on -

Joking aside - ha,ha! I felt we were all in need of a little humour - some of you gorgeous gals out there in Blog world have had exams, illness and worse.....what better than to have a healing giggle?

In order to blog about this subject, I had to first get over a huge stumbling block - I'm a girl - and girls can never remember jokes - seriously it's something I really struggle with, If I tell a joke, I either give away the punchline too early or worse forget the punchline altogether!
That said, I really love a good joke, whether it's stand up, rude, religious, dark, sexist or best of all (and hardest to remember) the shaggy dog story.
But here I can joke without the pressure - I can 'phone a friend' if I get stuck and give you an altogether better performance...I hope you enjoy the following mixture - some of you may be of a delicate nature, and be offended - I truly hope not.....what I'm hoping for is a few unrestrained belly laughs and lots of snortling!

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Tommy Cooper

What's a Hindu? Lays Eggs.

Going to war over religion is basically like killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Ronnie Barker

A vampire bat comes flapping into a cave covered in blood. All the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it "OK follow me" he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest. Finally he slows down, and all the other bats excitedly mill around him. "Now do you see that tree over there?" he asks "Yes, yes, yes" scream the bats "Good" says the first bat, "because I didn't!"

I went to a restaurant the other day called "Taste of the Raj". The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.
Harry Hill

A middle aged man took his wife out to dinner to celebrate her 40th birthday. He asked her "So what would you like dear? A jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace?
She said, "Darling, I want a divorce"
He said, "Gosh, I wasn't thinking of spending that much".

A Chicken and Egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face, and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The Egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

I split up with my last girlfriend because she was terribly hypocritical. She used to say, "I love surprises,"....but when I slept with her sister...
Jimmy Carr

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette escape from Jail and hide in a barn. The police close in, so the three women each hide in a sack. The police search the barn and to check each sack, a police officer kicks them as he walks past. The officer kicks the redhead's sack and the redhead says "Meow!" The officer kicks the brunette's sack, and the brunette says "Woof, woof!" The officer kicks the blonde's sack, and the blonde shouts "Potatoes!"

Two lions are walking down the aisle of a supermarket. One turns to the other and says "Quiet in here today isn't it?"

A philosophy professor and a sociologist are holidaying at a nudist camp. The Philosopher turns to his colleague and asks "I assume you've read Marx?"  "Yes," replies the sociologist, "I think it's these wicker chairs".

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play russian roulette, by force feeding me a packet of Revels.
Milton Jones

Men are like carpet tiles. Lay them right and you can walk all over them for the next thirty years.

I'm a fairly modern man - I've got no problems buying tampons. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'.
Jimmy Carr

Feeling better now? Good!!

The above jokes are from "The Naked Jape" by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves
ISBN: 9780141025155 Published by Penguin books. I highly recommend it!
Stocked at all good bookshops - Mr B's included!