When you are pear shaped, long bodied and short legged with a chest that could best be described as insubstantial, it's quite difficult to find certain things - full length coat buying has been known to leave me drear, purchasing jeans is worse than a case of nits (seriously Mrs G it really is). Evening wear is worse than water torture, but topping the chart of most unpleasant shopping experiences is swimwear.
There is something truly horrible about seeing your semi naked bod in a scarily lit changing room (torture chamber) - I really prefer to see me looking back at me from the mirror wearing something 'A' line and subtle... the dreaded cossie is never this - it is you at your most exposed...your most vulnerable.
Added to this trauma of over exposure, I have an additional problem - every time I try to buy a new swimming cossie, I want a one piece costume - you know the sort of thing - tastefully covering one's rear (for this read cellulite), and one's tummy (for this read flab and stretch marks) in a dark colour (for thinning purposes, obviously).....it really doesn't appear to be a very demanding request - it's only a cossie after all.
Well, forget it - it's an impossible task - believe me I've tried every brand possible and they are all the same - I am Amazonian in the body department - sadly the legs don't match (such a shame, that they are the legs of a gnome), the result is little old me in the aforementioned nasty changing room with the overly blue lighting: bent double by the rather beautiful designer cossie - well it looked 'fabulous darling' on the hanger - and great when the size zero sales assistant held it up against her.
On me it's just tragic...the stomach wrecked by 2 children bulges in a very unattractive fashion, the shoulders are hunched as a result of a dangerous shortage of fabric. Where a voluptuous chest should heave, is empty ruched triangles. None of this vision is improved by the white unshaven legs (so embarrassing when size zero puts her head round the changing room door to tell me they don't actually make anything bigger than I've tried on. Oh, God, please tell me she didn't clock my lack of Brazilian, or the fact that I walked in wearing jeans and boots (which had socks underneath).....and I have seriously attractive welts round my ankles where the socks cut in).
Actually I have to admit that blonde 'Miss Size Zero' last time was kind....she did find me something - eventually - a very beautiful two piece - with a padded top, which does actually give the illusion of something....and a bottom half - large enough to cover at least some of the parts I'd rather not expose.....but the top and bottom are 4 sizes apart!!!!!
Did I feel wonderful, sexy, confident - hah! what do you think? Girls I will confess, I went and bought a long, black cover up......so much kinder to the rest of the beach and the friends we holidayed with than viewing my wobbly bits!
My other option back at the villa was the Kikoy - to those of you who haven't come across these wonderful things - get one - they aren't expensive, and you get an instant tummy tuck when wrapped tightly round your midriff!
This year I have failed again to buy the desired one piece - but it's ok I have worked out a cunning plan.....I'm not going abroad - which this 'broad' will inform everyone is for 'green' reasons - you know - flying = bad carbon footprint - but my dear friends - only you will know the real reason....Greenpeace or whoever really haven't got the time or resources to rescue a rare beached white whale!